Perspective

What a weekend.  And while my poor writers soul wants to just express pages and pages, it's just not likely going to happen.  I haz a tired.

So, where I last left things on the blog, I was beginning to get a little worried about whether or not Edan was actually going to make it.  I still hadn't heard from him and as Monday rolled to Wednesday and the countdown began-countdown's always begin on Wednesday, don't you know?-the worry started billowing up into a huge storm.  I did hear from him on Thursday, he said that he would get back to me after class about the event.  No response and the storm got worse.

It was this lack of communication that had been an issue in our past-or so I thought.  What was really going on was Edan was exceptionally busy and my perfectly laid plans were going awry.  The latter part was what was actually driving this storm.

Echos from a past, people are vicious and hurtful and will do whatever they can to take advantage of you.  Of course he doesn't want to go (never mind that I saw him double check his schedule and he gave me money for his ticket.) because he's not really submissive, he doesn't have any actual desire, he just wants to fuck me because he won't submit perfectly to my plans.

My plans.  I realized that I was putting my plans above the circumstances in Edan's life that were preventing him from contacting me, that I was, unwarrantedly, imposing the labels of being flakey, fickled and downright rude.  

But Edan has never been rude.  He has always been as prompt as possible given someone who works full time, is working on his final courses for his bachelor degree in accounting, is very committed to being there for his family and friends who have been around much longer than I have.  

My plans were unraveling and instead of being mature and recognizing that his precedents of the past should speak so much more than this momentary lack of contact, I was slowly getting my noose ready to hang him.

So I calmed the fuck down, and re-told myself that I had planned to go to this event anyway.  I had planned to have a really good time without him.  Remember?  I thought I had safely deleted the message before he read it so he wouldn't have gone if that had actually happened.

I called him, 3 hours before I had to pick him up from his house to go to the event and asked him to let me know, but I wasn't upset at all if he had to cancel.

He immediately called back, apologizing profusely and said that a coworker had quit that week at his job and he had to cover his shifts and between that and school, he had been so distracted and he wouldn't be able to go to the movie, but he wanted to see if he could still go to the after party.

While, admittedly, I hadn't completely let go of the clouds hanging over my hopes for the weekend, those words he spoke made them vanish.  His lack of communication explained, his text on Thursday telling me he would get back to me because his situation wasn't as simple as yes he could go or no he couldn't.  Everything made sense.  

I checked and yes, he could just attend the after party and so he rushed as fast as he could and about an hour after the movie, he arrived to the dungeon.

And I was sweaty, nervous mess, but he showed up.  And he looked dashing!  He was wearing the same shirt he wore for our "first date" to the park, dark pants and boat shoes.  He's so cute.  :)

We spent the evening walking around the dungeon together, I loved watching his face when we first entered the play room of the dungeon, his eyes just scanning around at all the different pieces of equipment in that mixture of fascination and curiosity that's tinged with little fear.  We talked with other people and he asked me questions about what was going on here or there and what.  We watched Mike flog a girl with the electric floggers and he even got to feel them too!

Then a little later on in the evening, we found ourselves in one of the rooms with a bed that looked much like this one:

He started inspecting it and we start trying our hands in it and then he tries his head and we end up where he is standing at the foot of the bed, his hands held by the stocks and I was on the bed.  The moment stilled and suddenly the realization that he and I-both of us who had been gently flirting with each other all night-were alone in a room and suddenly our feelings bubbled up.  He looked up into my eyes and I reached out and stroked his cheek and his eyes closed softly and I felt him move with my fingers.  He licked his lips and smiled softly as his eyes opened and he realized I was still staring at him.

I couldn't stand it anymore.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him close.  I scratched lightly at his neck and shoulders and I felt his heart quicken and he would press himself into my fingers.  I scratched a little harder and he whispered out an inaudible moan-I felt it more than heard it.

I pressed harder, running my nails against those long muscles connecting to his shoulders.  His heart pounded in his chest and in mine too,  I kissed his forehead, his cheek....and then I kissed his neck.  I felt him go breathless and gasping for air.  I felt his skin beg for it under my lips. I kissed him again, my mouth more open and then my teeth found his skin.

I gripped him firmly, in my favorite spot to bite him and made him melt.  He moaned and gasped.  I felt his hands clench from his muscles as he strained against the stocks.  I held him for a moment and then my brain went: 

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BITING HIM!?  THIS WAS NOT NEGOTIATED! YOU'RE SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT YOU DAMN PERVERT!!

I pulled away, breathless and shaking and I pressed my forehead against his.  He was still recovering from the moment as well and another stillness washed over us.  Suddenly I was back at the table, sitting there with him-our first time meeting face to face-with my arms around his shoulders.  Moments before I had placed what was simply suppose to be a token of affection and something to hold the place till I could properly make his collar, had become his collar.  And then too, my forehead was pressed against his.  Inching, agonizingly closer.

When his lips touched to mine...I shook.  The moist warmth of his lips, the graze of his breath against my skin,  I felt each individual crease along his lower lip on mine.  I could smell his cologne, his skin, his hair and his breath.  I parted my lips and un doux baiser devint une faim et une a la soif de l'autre.  Still shaking I went back and forth between biting him and kissing him.

"I need to sit down, my legs are weak." he whispered at me as I broke from his lips.  I undid the stocks and he crawled up onto the bed with me, using my lap as a pillow.  I slowly stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead.  Whenever my had would run down his side, I felt that old familiar arcing of his back as the sensation sent shivers down his body.  Somehow, I had it in my head not to press to continue.  He was in subspace and I knew he wasn't expecting to be, so I just lay there until he came back up.

He sat up and my turn to lay down, we talked and for all my wordsmithing I can do with my fingers, I'm craptastic with my mouth.

But we both were on the same page.  This didn't mean he was instantly collared and mine, and our feelings are okay. 

At that time, it was a little past our time to go, Mike was waiting patiently for us, and I told him that I would quickly walk Edan out and then come back to get him so we could leave.

Yeah, "quick"...

At his car.....I attacked him.  Our kisses weren't the gentle soft spoken tenets of our tender feelings towards each other. He pulled at me as I dug my nails in his back.  I pulled his hair and clenched down on his shoulders with my teeth.  He moaned and whimpered in my ear and I felt his desperate desire-the same desire that feeds me-start to surface. But time, as it likes to do, keeps moving and you can pretend all you want that you're not aware of it for only so long.  This moment coincided as he ran his fingers down my cheeks and my neck to my collarbone.  When he presses his lips against it, I fall apart and since it had been so long since I felt his touch, his fingers were not a bad substitute so I pulled away.

We said our goodbyes, and just like that first time we met and we said our goodbyes and I started to walk away but who are we kidding here?  This is me! I had to have one last hug, one last kiss.  

I grabbed his hips and dug my fingers into them, he pulled at me, his lips found mine out of desperation and he pulled me closer.

"Gooooo..." He begged, painfully had he gripped me close.  Now wasn't the time or the moment for anything more and I can never deny him when he begs.  One last final kiss-a sweet peck to seal it all and one last heartfelt hug.

None of this would have happened had I been upset with him because of not following my perfectly laid plan.  I would have gotten mad and canceled his date and returned his money and never had anything to do with him again.  That was the mantra of the old perspective.  Could he have tried a little harder to be in contact-sure.  But I could have made it into a big deal or given him the same understanding he would have given me if the situation was reversed.  

Life is really about the perspective we choose to have.in all it's parts, interactions and moments.  As they say, there is his story, her story and the truth.  Empathy is the path to truth and known truths feed empathy.  Dash on a little grace and we get to feel how good our life really is.

Happy day. :)

Flirtationship

The hardest part about all these goings on is what is also going on with Edan.  I've been so mentally distracted and we haven't talked much outside of establishing that he's not ready for a relationship but there are feelings there and I'm not really ready for a relationship either and we have this amazing connection but we've barely blipped much of anything to each other and I know we're super busy but I think things are.....good?  I think?  Maybe?  

Yeah.  I have no clue.  None!

I know that all those feelings are my incessant need to understand where I am heading in order to look for the mental signs that where I am heading is where I want to head and not where I don't.  

One has to have a true understanding their own handicaps and weaknesses in order to overcome them and I am really good with getting too focused on where I hope to eventually land without taking the proper steps in order to get there.

Oh really?

::insert deadpan stare here::

So I actually came up with a mantra for this situation.

Nothing new when shit is not right.

When Edan and I started talking a few months back, the earthquake hadn't started rumbling yet. And we had many healing conversations that mended our friendship.  And I am so happy for that because we had such a great seed to be really good friends.  

But then there is that other side, the lizard brain side, The feel of his neck against my fingers, my cheek and my lips-three very similar yet different sensations-are burned into my memory.  The denial of feeling it again only salting the burn.  

Or worse, he kissing my collar bone.

It still makes me shudder as intently as it did a year ago.  It undoes me, even just the thought.

And remembering how his legs would quiver whenever I undid him, I'm sure that certain memories of our time together aren't helping his desire to be chaste right now either.

Regarding our attraction to each other, the casual thing just wouldn't work.  It's not in his belief system to be casual about intimacy and I respect it.  As well, I've had enough "casual" to last a lifetime and the last thing I want is something casual with when my heart would ache for the same attention.  I can't do that to myself.

So I sent him a message recently saying that I wanted to ensure going forward, that we acknowledge this weird flirtationship thing we have where we say, "Yeah, we do have an attraction to each other.  Why can't we be rational and thoughtful about it?  Why can't wants and desires be acknowledged and not acted on?  We have the ability to restrain ourselves from just simply eating food when we're hungry at the grocery store without paying for it, why can't we do the same here and trust that time and what we put in to what is going on and what we decided along the way that we don't and let the situation dictate if they are acted on or not?"  

Yes! Fine.  I want it and I want it so bad.  But I'm willing to wait and see if the relationship I want with those feelings is possible.  Because if it is? It'll be well worth it.  And if it's not?  Then we can walk away with clear minds and good sentiments of trust and respect and that is equally worth it.  I still try to follow the campsite rule.  Edan has had too many times where his campsite has been left in shambles and having the chance to give him that relationship where he feels better about himself afterwards is something I really, really want to do.  Even if it is in the simple act of acknowledging that what I want is not there in him, I want to show him that someone does truly value his honesty.  

So we are what we are and nothing new is being added until I'm in a better mind frame.  And that's okay.  :)

Scars on my chest

I thought I was done with Oz, and I actually started getting to that point where I was really believing that door was closed.

But then the messages starting coming in.  Not to me, of course, to my husband.  And yes, everyone who was aware of the situation saw his actions for what they were.  He was fishing for a window in to what was going on.  They were ignored until this one came in:

I sent a message to your wife three days ago to inquire about getting my origami book and digital picture frame back.  No response.

I sent a message 36 hours ago.  Again, no response.

Now I am contacting you on Facebook and the only thing I want is an acknowledgement of this message being received and how our stuff will be returned.

While I will totally admit to asking for my things back from Edan many moons ago in order to get facetime with him-Maybe I'll write about that after because I can't leave my blog sitting with the last post being about Oz.  It just feels unfair to it-I realized that this attempt at communication was going to continue for years unless I gave him audience.

So I sent him a letter, telling him to review a list of all the items that were from him or related to him that I was willing to part with. (Awhile back I bought fabric to make him shirts but the pets need beds....  What?  I am a sadist after all. :P  )

In this letter, I explained that I held him responsible for the severe damage to my relationship with Edan and Mike.  I told him it that was why I would never want anything to do with him ever again.  I told him I wasn't going to reply to any of his messages, but if he wished to use me opening up this particular form of communication (Fetmail) that he could but I would not be responding or addressing anything he said.

The reason I wanted to use Fetlife was so that should he make any threats, it would be on their servers and I would be able to take action and show the places that I attend his intentions in order to get him banned.

Then the insults and disparaging remarks came in.  I was the one who manipulated and was vindictive. I honestly almost yawned when I read that.  Really?  Is that all you got?  Standard gaslight insults?

But the one that really stung was when he said that my treatment of his wife was appalling.

What?

That was a kill blow.  The way I treated her?  She isn't my wife, someone who trusts and loves me unconditionally.  Yes, she trusted me to not attempt to do anything illicit with you, but I would wager she trusted you even more to not do anything with me.

Granted he used the guise of the situation of New Years Eve when I thought we were being blown off and I got upset-but that had been forgiven.  If it hadn't, I don't think I would have had the liberties with him that I did in the time following that moment.

I wanted to fire back, but I didn't.  No, I promised myself I wasn't going to engage him no matter how irresistible the trail of breadcrumbs was.

So I responded with his tracking number for the package and what I was going to block him three days following the package being shown delivered.  I spoke nothing to his vitriol in his previous message.

His response was an "analytically response" to due to his diligence of seeing my issues over the year and what he was actually attempting to do (you know, instead of just being that thing called a friend) and upon his realization that I had severe codependency issue and that they were too deep seeded for his skill set, his sanity and time...

...he had to release me.

It's so hard to describe my reaction to it.  I felt my blood boil, I laughed and I stared at my computer screen with complete astonishment.  It was almost a month ago that I told him I was done.  I blocked him from any access to contacting me and while yes, technically I contacted him regarding his harassment about getting his stuff back, I didn't show any sort of wanting to rekindle this bullshit between us.

But that was always the thing between us.  Our relationship fell apart when he didn't have the upper hand.  The direction and temperature of our relationship had to be in his control.  But it makes sense because he has the most to lose.  Even though he would attempt to force me into a situation where Mike didn't know about what was going on between us, I would force those aspects of our desires within our secret relationship to come to light.

Yet, even in the end, he remained true to form.  He wanted to secure his hold on our secrets and his control over me.  Because the adult thing to do is to lie, cover your tracks in order to maintain your integrity.

I realized that no matter what, as long as the past remained hidden and that I spoke to all the lies and and attempts to hide what we had between us, he would use those against me if ever the opportunity arose and I would forever remain a prisoner to him.

As long as we had secrets, he was in control.  He would be able to muddle in my affairs from afar.  I would have to continue to play the role.  He would be able to walk away unaffected by the truth and protected by the lies and the further we got away from this point in time, if it ever came out, my actions would only reinforce his claims of my being crazy and his position of being an altruistic person who tried to help secured.

Having been put in a box like that a time or two before.  Being used to protect others at my expense is something I'm a little to familiar with.  And while Oz may have a grain of truth in the claim of being co-dependent, the issue that I have is allowing my feelings for someone to override what is the obvious best choice.  In this case, it was allowing Oz to hide his feelings and our relationship from his wife.  If I had pressed when he told me that he loved me, I know this situation would have never happened. Every time I was successful in bringing something- a want or desire or access-to the table of our foursome, compromises were made and it was a success.

And I realized that it wasn't me he was in love with, he was in love with his safe place to be those things of his character that he had worked so diligently to remove from his persona.  I gave him a safe place to not think about what he wanted or having to do any work to get it.  Keep it secret and it will maintain itself.  That was his mantra.

And again I was faced with a choice.  I had already come clean to all the people who mattered in my life.  I knew that he wouldn't be able to reach my core with his desire to rewrite history and set me up to take the fall should anything come to light.

Risk my sanity should it ever need to?  No.  The most important relationship I have is the one I have with myself.  I am a wife and a mother and I am responsible to those people no matter what state of my relationship with them.  It is my charge to ensure that I keep myself healthy in order to be there for them.

So I wrote an open letter to Oz, posted it to my fetlife and to my old blog.  If you would like to read it, here is a link.

It's funny how with life, the rules become more simple with age.  Be honest, do the right thing, be real, be authentic, don't accuse-apologize and forgive, don't keep secrets, always speak the truth, especially when it's hard.  And with that, I am free.  To quote Florence, "I am done with my graceless heart, I'm going to cut it out and restart."