But then the messages starting coming in. Not to me, of course, to my husband. And yes, everyone who was aware of the situation saw his actions for what they were. He was fishing for a window in to what was going on. They were ignored until this one came in:
I sent a message to your wife three days ago to inquire about getting my origami book and digital picture frame back. No response.
I sent a message 36 hours ago. Again, no response.
Now I am contacting you on Facebook and the only thing I want is an acknowledgement of this message being received and how our stuff will be returned.
While I will totally admit to asking for my things back from Edan many moons ago in order to get facetime with him-Maybe I'll write about that after because I can't leave my blog sitting with the last post being about Oz. It just feels unfair to it-I realized that this attempt at communication was going to continue for years unless I gave him audience.
So I sent him a letter, telling him to review a list of all the items that were from him or related to him that I was willing to part with. (Awhile back I bought fabric to make him shirts but the pets need beds.... What? I am a sadist after all. :P )
In this letter, I explained that I held him responsible for the severe damage to my relationship with Edan and Mike. I told him it that was why I would never want anything to do with him ever again. I told him I wasn't going to reply to any of his messages, but if he wished to use me opening up this particular form of communication (Fetmail) that he could but I would not be responding or addressing anything he said.
The reason I wanted to use Fetlife was so that should he make any threats, it would be on their servers and I would be able to take action and show the places that I attend his intentions in order to get him banned.
Then the insults and disparaging remarks came in. I was the one who manipulated and was vindictive. I honestly almost yawned when I read that. Really? Is that all you got? Standard gaslight insults?
But the one that really stung was when he said that my treatment of his wife was appalling.
That was a kill blow. The way I treated her? She isn't my wife, someone who trusts and loves me unconditionally. Yes, she trusted me to not attempt to do anything illicit with you, but I would wager she trusted you even more to not do anything with me.
Granted he used the guise of the situation of New Years Eve when I thought we were being blown off and I got upset-but that had been forgiven. If it hadn't, I don't think I would have had the liberties with him that I did in the time following that moment.
I wanted to fire back, but I didn't. No, I promised myself I wasn't going to engage him no matter how irresistible the trail of breadcrumbs was.
So I responded with his tracking number for the package and what I was going to block him three days following the package being shown delivered. I spoke nothing to his vitriol in his previous message.
His response was an "analytically response" to due to his diligence of seeing my issues over the year and what he was actually attempting to do (you know, instead of just being that thing called a friend) and upon his realization that I had severe codependency issue and that they were too deep seeded for his skill set, his sanity and time...
...he had to release me.
It's so hard to describe my reaction to it. I felt my blood boil, I laughed and I stared at my computer screen with complete astonishment. It was almost a month ago that I told him I was done. I blocked him from any access to contacting me and while yes, technically I contacted him regarding his harassment about getting his stuff back, I didn't show any sort of wanting to rekindle this bullshit between us.
But that was always the thing between us. Our relationship fell apart when he didn't have the upper hand. The direction and temperature of our relationship had to be in his control. But it makes sense because he has the most to lose. Even though he would attempt to force me into a situation where Mike didn't know about what was going on between us, I would force those aspects of our desires within our secret relationship to come to light.
Yet, even in the end, he remained true to form. He wanted to secure his hold on our secrets and his control over me. Because the adult thing to do is to lie, cover your tracks in order to maintain your integrity.
I realized that no matter what, as long as the past remained hidden and that I spoke to all the lies and and attempts to hide what we had between us, he would use those against me if ever the opportunity arose and I would forever remain a prisoner to him.
As long as we had secrets, he was in control. He would be able to muddle in my affairs from afar. I would have to continue to play the role. He would be able to walk away unaffected by the truth and protected by the lies and the further we got away from this point in time, if it ever came out, my actions would only reinforce his claims of my being crazy and his position of being an altruistic person who tried to help secured.
Having been put in a box like that a time or two before. Being used to protect others at my expense is something I'm a little to familiar with. And while Oz may have a grain of truth in the claim of being co-dependent, the issue that I have is allowing my feelings for someone to override what is the obvious best choice. In this case, it was allowing Oz to hide his feelings and our relationship from his wife. If I had pressed when he told me that he loved me, I know this situation would have never happened. Every time I was successful in bringing something- a want or desire or access-to the table of our foursome, compromises were made and it was a success.
And I realized that it wasn't me he was in love with, he was in love with his safe place to be those things of his character that he had worked so diligently to remove from his persona. I gave him a safe place to not think about what he wanted or having to do any work to get it. Keep it secret and it will maintain itself. That was his mantra.
And again I was faced with a choice. I had already come clean to all the people who mattered in my life. I knew that he wouldn't be able to reach my core with his desire to rewrite history and set me up to take the fall should anything come to light.
Risk my sanity should it ever need to? No. The most important relationship I have is the one I have with myself. I am a wife and a mother and I am responsible to those people no matter what state of my relationship with them. It is my charge to ensure that I keep myself healthy in order to be there for them.
So I wrote an open letter to Oz, posted it to my fetlife and to my old blog. If you would like to read it, here is a link.
It's funny how with life, the rules become more simple with age. Be honest, do the right thing, be real, be authentic, don't accuse-apologize and forgive, don't keep secrets, always speak the truth, especially when it's hard. And with that, I am free. To quote Florence, "I am done with my graceless heart, I'm going to cut it out and restart."
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