Perspective

What a weekend.  And while my poor writers soul wants to just express pages and pages, it's just not likely going to happen.  I haz a tired.

So, where I last left things on the blog, I was beginning to get a little worried about whether or not Edan was actually going to make it.  I still hadn't heard from him and as Monday rolled to Wednesday and the countdown began-countdown's always begin on Wednesday, don't you know?-the worry started billowing up into a huge storm.  I did hear from him on Thursday, he said that he would get back to me after class about the event.  No response and the storm got worse.

It was this lack of communication that had been an issue in our past-or so I thought.  What was really going on was Edan was exceptionally busy and my perfectly laid plans were going awry.  The latter part was what was actually driving this storm.

Echos from a past, people are vicious and hurtful and will do whatever they can to take advantage of you.  Of course he doesn't want to go (never mind that I saw him double check his schedule and he gave me money for his ticket.) because he's not really submissive, he doesn't have any actual desire, he just wants to fuck me because he won't submit perfectly to my plans.

My plans.  I realized that I was putting my plans above the circumstances in Edan's life that were preventing him from contacting me, that I was, unwarrantedly, imposing the labels of being flakey, fickled and downright rude.  

But Edan has never been rude.  He has always been as prompt as possible given someone who works full time, is working on his final courses for his bachelor degree in accounting, is very committed to being there for his family and friends who have been around much longer than I have.  

My plans were unraveling and instead of being mature and recognizing that his precedents of the past should speak so much more than this momentary lack of contact, I was slowly getting my noose ready to hang him.

So I calmed the fuck down, and re-told myself that I had planned to go to this event anyway.  I had planned to have a really good time without him.  Remember?  I thought I had safely deleted the message before he read it so he wouldn't have gone if that had actually happened.

I called him, 3 hours before I had to pick him up from his house to go to the event and asked him to let me know, but I wasn't upset at all if he had to cancel.

He immediately called back, apologizing profusely and said that a coworker had quit that week at his job and he had to cover his shifts and between that and school, he had been so distracted and he wouldn't be able to go to the movie, but he wanted to see if he could still go to the after party.

While, admittedly, I hadn't completely let go of the clouds hanging over my hopes for the weekend, those words he spoke made them vanish.  His lack of communication explained, his text on Thursday telling me he would get back to me because his situation wasn't as simple as yes he could go or no he couldn't.  Everything made sense.  

I checked and yes, he could just attend the after party and so he rushed as fast as he could and about an hour after the movie, he arrived to the dungeon.

And I was sweaty, nervous mess, but he showed up.  And he looked dashing!  He was wearing the same shirt he wore for our "first date" to the park, dark pants and boat shoes.  He's so cute.  :)

We spent the evening walking around the dungeon together, I loved watching his face when we first entered the play room of the dungeon, his eyes just scanning around at all the different pieces of equipment in that mixture of fascination and curiosity that's tinged with little fear.  We talked with other people and he asked me questions about what was going on here or there and what.  We watched Mike flog a girl with the electric floggers and he even got to feel them too!

Then a little later on in the evening, we found ourselves in one of the rooms with a bed that looked much like this one:

He started inspecting it and we start trying our hands in it and then he tries his head and we end up where he is standing at the foot of the bed, his hands held by the stocks and I was on the bed.  The moment stilled and suddenly the realization that he and I-both of us who had been gently flirting with each other all night-were alone in a room and suddenly our feelings bubbled up.  He looked up into my eyes and I reached out and stroked his cheek and his eyes closed softly and I felt him move with my fingers.  He licked his lips and smiled softly as his eyes opened and he realized I was still staring at him.

I couldn't stand it anymore.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him close.  I scratched lightly at his neck and shoulders and I felt his heart quicken and he would press himself into my fingers.  I scratched a little harder and he whispered out an inaudible moan-I felt it more than heard it.

I pressed harder, running my nails against those long muscles connecting to his shoulders.  His heart pounded in his chest and in mine too,  I kissed his forehead, his cheek....and then I kissed his neck.  I felt him go breathless and gasping for air.  I felt his skin beg for it under my lips. I kissed him again, my mouth more open and then my teeth found his skin.

I gripped him firmly, in my favorite spot to bite him and made him melt.  He moaned and gasped.  I felt his hands clench from his muscles as he strained against the stocks.  I held him for a moment and then my brain went: 

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BITING HIM!?  THIS WAS NOT NEGOTIATED! YOU'RE SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT YOU DAMN PERVERT!!

I pulled away, breathless and shaking and I pressed my forehead against his.  He was still recovering from the moment as well and another stillness washed over us.  Suddenly I was back at the table, sitting there with him-our first time meeting face to face-with my arms around his shoulders.  Moments before I had placed what was simply suppose to be a token of affection and something to hold the place till I could properly make his collar, had become his collar.  And then too, my forehead was pressed against his.  Inching, agonizingly closer.

When his lips touched to mine...I shook.  The moist warmth of his lips, the graze of his breath against my skin,  I felt each individual crease along his lower lip on mine.  I could smell his cologne, his skin, his hair and his breath.  I parted my lips and un doux baiser devint une faim et une a la soif de l'autre.  Still shaking I went back and forth between biting him and kissing him.

"I need to sit down, my legs are weak." he whispered at me as I broke from his lips.  I undid the stocks and he crawled up onto the bed with me, using my lap as a pillow.  I slowly stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead.  Whenever my had would run down his side, I felt that old familiar arcing of his back as the sensation sent shivers down his body.  Somehow, I had it in my head not to press to continue.  He was in subspace and I knew he wasn't expecting to be, so I just lay there until he came back up.

He sat up and my turn to lay down, we talked and for all my wordsmithing I can do with my fingers, I'm craptastic with my mouth.

But we both were on the same page.  This didn't mean he was instantly collared and mine, and our feelings are okay. 

At that time, it was a little past our time to go, Mike was waiting patiently for us, and I told him that I would quickly walk Edan out and then come back to get him so we could leave.

Yeah, "quick"...

At his car.....I attacked him.  Our kisses weren't the gentle soft spoken tenets of our tender feelings towards each other. He pulled at me as I dug my nails in his back.  I pulled his hair and clenched down on his shoulders with my teeth.  He moaned and whimpered in my ear and I felt his desperate desire-the same desire that feeds me-start to surface. But time, as it likes to do, keeps moving and you can pretend all you want that you're not aware of it for only so long.  This moment coincided as he ran his fingers down my cheeks and my neck to my collarbone.  When he presses his lips against it, I fall apart and since it had been so long since I felt his touch, his fingers were not a bad substitute so I pulled away.

We said our goodbyes, and just like that first time we met and we said our goodbyes and I started to walk away but who are we kidding here?  This is me! I had to have one last hug, one last kiss.  

I grabbed his hips and dug my fingers into them, he pulled at me, his lips found mine out of desperation and he pulled me closer.

"Gooooo..." He begged, painfully had he gripped me close.  Now wasn't the time or the moment for anything more and I can never deny him when he begs.  One last final kiss-a sweet peck to seal it all and one last heartfelt hug.

None of this would have happened had I been upset with him because of not following my perfectly laid plan.  I would have gotten mad and canceled his date and returned his money and never had anything to do with him again.  That was the mantra of the old perspective.  Could he have tried a little harder to be in contact-sure.  But I could have made it into a big deal or given him the same understanding he would have given me if the situation was reversed.  

Life is really about the perspective we choose to have.in all it's parts, interactions and moments.  As they say, there is his story, her story and the truth.  Empathy is the path to truth and known truths feed empathy.  Dash on a little grace and we get to feel how good our life really is.

Happy day. :)

Flirtationship

The hardest part about all these goings on is what is also going on with Edan.  I've been so mentally distracted and we haven't talked much outside of establishing that he's not ready for a relationship but there are feelings there and I'm not really ready for a relationship either and we have this amazing connection but we've barely blipped much of anything to each other and I know we're super busy but I think things are.....good?  I think?  Maybe?  

Yeah.  I have no clue.  None!

I know that all those feelings are my incessant need to understand where I am heading in order to look for the mental signs that where I am heading is where I want to head and not where I don't.  

One has to have a true understanding their own handicaps and weaknesses in order to overcome them and I am really good with getting too focused on where I hope to eventually land without taking the proper steps in order to get there.

Oh really?

::insert deadpan stare here::

So I actually came up with a mantra for this situation.

Nothing new when shit is not right.

When Edan and I started talking a few months back, the earthquake hadn't started rumbling yet. And we had many healing conversations that mended our friendship.  And I am so happy for that because we had such a great seed to be really good friends.  

But then there is that other side, the lizard brain side, The feel of his neck against my fingers, my cheek and my lips-three very similar yet different sensations-are burned into my memory.  The denial of feeling it again only salting the burn.  

Or worse, he kissing my collar bone.

It still makes me shudder as intently as it did a year ago.  It undoes me, even just the thought.

And remembering how his legs would quiver whenever I undid him, I'm sure that certain memories of our time together aren't helping his desire to be chaste right now either.

Regarding our attraction to each other, the casual thing just wouldn't work.  It's not in his belief system to be casual about intimacy and I respect it.  As well, I've had enough "casual" to last a lifetime and the last thing I want is something casual with when my heart would ache for the same attention.  I can't do that to myself.

So I sent him a message recently saying that I wanted to ensure going forward, that we acknowledge this weird flirtationship thing we have where we say, "Yeah, we do have an attraction to each other.  Why can't we be rational and thoughtful about it?  Why can't wants and desires be acknowledged and not acted on?  We have the ability to restrain ourselves from just simply eating food when we're hungry at the grocery store without paying for it, why can't we do the same here and trust that time and what we put in to what is going on and what we decided along the way that we don't and let the situation dictate if they are acted on or not?"  

Yes! Fine.  I want it and I want it so bad.  But I'm willing to wait and see if the relationship I want with those feelings is possible.  Because if it is? It'll be well worth it.  And if it's not?  Then we can walk away with clear minds and good sentiments of trust and respect and that is equally worth it.  I still try to follow the campsite rule.  Edan has had too many times where his campsite has been left in shambles and having the chance to give him that relationship where he feels better about himself afterwards is something I really, really want to do.  Even if it is in the simple act of acknowledging that what I want is not there in him, I want to show him that someone does truly value his honesty.  

So we are what we are and nothing new is being added until I'm in a better mind frame.  And that's okay.  :)

Scars on my chest

I thought I was done with Oz, and I actually started getting to that point where I was really believing that door was closed.

But then the messages starting coming in.  Not to me, of course, to my husband.  And yes, everyone who was aware of the situation saw his actions for what they were.  He was fishing for a window in to what was going on.  They were ignored until this one came in:

I sent a message to your wife three days ago to inquire about getting my origami book and digital picture frame back.  No response.

I sent a message 36 hours ago.  Again, no response.

Now I am contacting you on Facebook and the only thing I want is an acknowledgement of this message being received and how our stuff will be returned.

While I will totally admit to asking for my things back from Edan many moons ago in order to get facetime with him-Maybe I'll write about that after because I can't leave my blog sitting with the last post being about Oz.  It just feels unfair to it-I realized that this attempt at communication was going to continue for years unless I gave him audience.

So I sent him a letter, telling him to review a list of all the items that were from him or related to him that I was willing to part with. (Awhile back I bought fabric to make him shirts but the pets need beds....  What?  I am a sadist after all. :P  )

In this letter, I explained that I held him responsible for the severe damage to my relationship with Edan and Mike.  I told him it that was why I would never want anything to do with him ever again.  I told him I wasn't going to reply to any of his messages, but if he wished to use me opening up this particular form of communication (Fetmail) that he could but I would not be responding or addressing anything he said.

The reason I wanted to use Fetlife was so that should he make any threats, it would be on their servers and I would be able to take action and show the places that I attend his intentions in order to get him banned.

Then the insults and disparaging remarks came in.  I was the one who manipulated and was vindictive. I honestly almost yawned when I read that.  Really?  Is that all you got?  Standard gaslight insults?

But the one that really stung was when he said that my treatment of his wife was appalling.

What?

That was a kill blow.  The way I treated her?  She isn't my wife, someone who trusts and loves me unconditionally.  Yes, she trusted me to not attempt to do anything illicit with you, but I would wager she trusted you even more to not do anything with me.

Granted he used the guise of the situation of New Years Eve when I thought we were being blown off and I got upset-but that had been forgiven.  If it hadn't, I don't think I would have had the liberties with him that I did in the time following that moment.

I wanted to fire back, but I didn't.  No, I promised myself I wasn't going to engage him no matter how irresistible the trail of breadcrumbs was.

So I responded with his tracking number for the package and what I was going to block him three days following the package being shown delivered.  I spoke nothing to his vitriol in his previous message.

His response was an "analytically response" to due to his diligence of seeing my issues over the year and what he was actually attempting to do (you know, instead of just being that thing called a friend) and upon his realization that I had severe codependency issue and that they were too deep seeded for his skill set, his sanity and time...

...he had to release me.

It's so hard to describe my reaction to it.  I felt my blood boil, I laughed and I stared at my computer screen with complete astonishment.  It was almost a month ago that I told him I was done.  I blocked him from any access to contacting me and while yes, technically I contacted him regarding his harassment about getting his stuff back, I didn't show any sort of wanting to rekindle this bullshit between us.

But that was always the thing between us.  Our relationship fell apart when he didn't have the upper hand.  The direction and temperature of our relationship had to be in his control.  But it makes sense because he has the most to lose.  Even though he would attempt to force me into a situation where Mike didn't know about what was going on between us, I would force those aspects of our desires within our secret relationship to come to light.

Yet, even in the end, he remained true to form.  He wanted to secure his hold on our secrets and his control over me.  Because the adult thing to do is to lie, cover your tracks in order to maintain your integrity.

I realized that no matter what, as long as the past remained hidden and that I spoke to all the lies and and attempts to hide what we had between us, he would use those against me if ever the opportunity arose and I would forever remain a prisoner to him.

As long as we had secrets, he was in control.  He would be able to muddle in my affairs from afar.  I would have to continue to play the role.  He would be able to walk away unaffected by the truth and protected by the lies and the further we got away from this point in time, if it ever came out, my actions would only reinforce his claims of my being crazy and his position of being an altruistic person who tried to help secured.

Having been put in a box like that a time or two before.  Being used to protect others at my expense is something I'm a little to familiar with.  And while Oz may have a grain of truth in the claim of being co-dependent, the issue that I have is allowing my feelings for someone to override what is the obvious best choice.  In this case, it was allowing Oz to hide his feelings and our relationship from his wife.  If I had pressed when he told me that he loved me, I know this situation would have never happened. Every time I was successful in bringing something- a want or desire or access-to the table of our foursome, compromises were made and it was a success.

And I realized that it wasn't me he was in love with, he was in love with his safe place to be those things of his character that he had worked so diligently to remove from his persona.  I gave him a safe place to not think about what he wanted or having to do any work to get it.  Keep it secret and it will maintain itself.  That was his mantra.

And again I was faced with a choice.  I had already come clean to all the people who mattered in my life.  I knew that he wouldn't be able to reach my core with his desire to rewrite history and set me up to take the fall should anything come to light.

Risk my sanity should it ever need to?  No.  The most important relationship I have is the one I have with myself.  I am a wife and a mother and I am responsible to those people no matter what state of my relationship with them.  It is my charge to ensure that I keep myself healthy in order to be there for them.

So I wrote an open letter to Oz, posted it to my fetlife and to my old blog.  If you would like to read it, here is a link.

It's funny how with life, the rules become more simple with age.  Be honest, do the right thing, be real, be authentic, don't accuse-apologize and forgive, don't keep secrets, always speak the truth, especially when it's hard.  And with that, I am free.  To quote Florence, "I am done with my graceless heart, I'm going to cut it out and restart."

Breaking Habits

Old habits can be hard to break sometimes.  I say as I light up my first cig of the day.

I love my first cigarette of the morning, and if I have coffee and a quiet space? Even better.

Never mind the fact that my lungs probably look like road kill, I've probably taken at least 10 years off my life, I've got a family history of really nasty cancer, a cardiologist would sprout dollar signs from his eyes reviewing my family history on heart disease (ironic that the only thing I hoped to inherit from my bio father is his the muscle that pumps his blood), my breath and clothes smell like and ashtray and I'm no longer the cool teenage girl who had the balls enough to smoke filterless camels.  I'm just that old lady in a bar who you can obviously see loves these little death sticks a little more than herself.

Is it obvious I'm gearing up to quit?  :-\  After my birthday, in a month, I'm putting them down.  It's ironic because I am having a bit of that, "What the hell, I'm about to be 35?  This is impossible." and so when I get carded less and less frequently when I pick up my death sticks, it's worrisome (because I've always looked a good 10 years younger than I am).  Apparently that youthfulness is fading quick.

Other habits are hard to break too.

Like launching into a full on press conference mode, chickening out, trying a normal way, then thinking you're chickening out again only to find out you didn't so you wear that metaphorical dunce hat in asking for a simple date.

Yeah I did that.  And I do that a lot.

There is an event coming up in mid February, that the husband, his playmate and I are going to and it's going to be sooo much freaking fun.  There is a public event then an after party at a local dungeon and I when Edan and I started talking a few months ago, I told him about it and how much I wanted him to see it.  As well, when we went to a munch when we were first together and both met some pretty cool people-people that I have gone on to become very good friends with who are going to be there.  They along with a bunch of really awesome people are going to be in attendance  and as much as I want to have "a date" with him, I want him to have that experience of seeing real D/s dynamics in motion in a social environment.  I want him to see submissives interacting with their dominants in social and in public play scenarios.  I want him to see the effort and patience and beauty of people owning themselves.  I want him to feel that urge of being who he feels he is and it be a positive experience.  

The reason for this was a few weeks ago, Edan said how he wished he could own who he was better while simultaneously wishing he could just not be it.  I get and I understand that a really big part of that is thinking that you have nowhere to be who you are.  Not that this environment or building is some magical place that instantaneously validates your character the moment you walk in the door, but it provides a bridge to things that are tangible that help bring the fantasy world of BDSM into reality.  Speaking to how similar we are, I really feel like it will help him gain insight to discovering who he is so that he will feel better and more positive about his submissiveness.  When your only accesses to it are dating sites, forum sites and porn, it creates a fractured highlight reel of things you want without the mortar of reality that holds it all together.  It takes bricks and mortar and work and if you have no evidence of actual, tangible plans that exist out there, you build your house on fantasy and when reality comes rolling along, it just crashes down.

I don't want that for him.  I don't want him to suffer another blow of trying to discover himself through fantastical means (including through me) for it to come falling apart when reality strikes.  So I carefully thought out about how the whole event was going to go and wrote it out to him.  I gave options for arriving, letting him know that if at anytime he wants to leave, he barely even has to express it and we will.  I described the layout in such a way that a blind man would have been able to see it.  I expressed that I would not be engaging in any play with him-that the most I might want to do is take him back to one of the rooms with a bed and make out with him-but there would be no "sceneing" so to speak.  And as well, I launched into my reasonings for wanting him to go in the first place.  Of course I want it to be a date, but I wanted him to have a positive social experience with the mindset of him being submissive.  Not to me, not to anyone,just to himself.  To have those moments of, "I relate to that or I couldn't see myself doing that."  Even if it was a, "I know now that I want no part of this," that I would be able to be there for him and let him know that was okay.

And then I deleted it (and it was about as long as this blog post so far.)

I agonized because I realized I was trying to control the experience for him.  Which, yes, in some ways is what this is about.  But we're not there yet.  I know that he wants something like that and we're very trepidly exploring if that is this what we want with each other, but we haven't even gone on a "proper" date yet.  At least I can say I recognized where I tried to put the cart before the horse.  

So then, I wrote a simple, "Hey we're doing this thing and it may be a thing you like and if you want to go then you should or maybe we can have dinner soon."  And hit send before I allowed the voices of doubt to start washing over.

Biggest white washing of complete spazzing out ever.  Ever.

But they still came around and then I got to thinking again.  He hates when he feels he has to say no for a reason that shouldn't be a no.  Basically, he hates when he has to say no when his situation doesn't allow his ego to say yes.  Who doesn't, but it hurts him so much because he believes he is behind the curve.  If only he could see that it really is all relative.  His betters are others good enough's and even someone's failures-it's all just part of living life and the only race you're in is one against yourself..  I see an improvement in that line of thinking, but I know it's still there and not knowing where the line of when it is okay and when it is not is drawn, I didn't want to cause a situation for him to feel bad.  

I know, I know, rational brain states that if he gets upset at me for simply asking him if he would be interested in doing this thing with me-given that our relationship is in that stage where asking for dates is okay-then he is someone I should have no want with.  But that's not how I work.  I'm the type of person who thinks of these things and wants to be allowed to do so in a relationship.  But I don't have the trust or really even the experience to know if that's just insanity speaking.

But still, that feeling endured.  Yeah, I should be able to ask him to go to this with me, expect it to be date-y and that maybe he'll have a good time that I shouldn't feel responsible for.  But I don't.  The way that I feel is that I don't have to put him through this because I want the responsibility for  his experience with me in this manner and I'm not ready for it yet.

So I deleted that one.

Or so I thought.  You see, I sent the message on collarspace and I thought that by deleting the message before he read it, that he wouldn't see it.

So, he saw it and said that it sounded fun and he would look into it.  I was so scared he was just saying it so I went to see him at our mutual place and he was happy and fine and upbeat about it, but said he would have to look at things and he would get back to me.  I ensured him that I had a ticket waiting for him so he didn't have to rush.  I got to see his sleepy, happy smile.  (I love that one so much.)  Got my stuff and went on my way.

And now I am fighting with myself.

I want to share this with him and let him read how much thought and consideration I put into this because that is who I am and I want that ability to be this vulnerable to him.  And at the same time, I hope he says no so that we can both exhale from me going too far too soon and let my mishap fall peacefully into the past.

-Afina

Moving Forward

It's been a bit of a foggy brain week this week.  I've been staying up too late to chat with Edan and it's starting to take its toll.  Not that he has asked me to, I've wanted to.  But this body, every year I feel the gears slow just a bit.  I just can't stay up like I use to.

I'm making a decided effort to move forward with my grief about the past month.  The reason being is, as happened today, I was coming back from my lunch break and I saw what looked like Oz's car.  Cue racing heart! I felt that old familiar rise of rage that lingered on far longer after I realized that it just looked like his car and it wasn't his car and realized I've given him far too much head space.  

It's done and it's over with and if I keep treating the situations around me like it affects me and them, then it will.  I need to stop that.  Doubt and insecurity and emotional wreck-ed-ness, like any other emotions, like having a voice and will do so as long as you listen to them and give them an outlet.  

I've let doubt have an opinion about my life for far to long.  Time to drown it.

This was the advice that Edan was giving me as well when we talked about that doubt in the past and how it affected us.  All the while, in my head, I'm wanting to scream at him, "I still like you!"

So instead of saying that, I decided to come out about being Afina and Dee.  I loved what he said about it too.  He told me that he didn't see it so much as multiple personalities, that things have just been so crazy and I blurted out, "Maybe I'm just trying to fix my fractured self."

Which maybe that is what this is.  But there is still something extra there about me. 

But after that, I finally blurted out that I still liked him and of course he responds with, "Like I couldn't tell at lunch the other day when you kept kissing my cheek." 

Yep.  I'm that sort of dumb sometimes.

He told me he still liked me to...and I think my heart was going to thump out of my chest.  But after nearly an hour of a pep talk on being brave, I had to get it out or feel like I had to completely hand in my dominant card.

He also told me that he still wasn't sure he was ready for everything and I told him that I wanted to go slow.  I wanted to take the time to get to know him since I tried to rush through it the first time.  And it is very true.  Realizing every day, more and more, the type of relationship I want (and yes, I want it with him specifically because we fit so well.  If I need to trust my gut a little more than I do, I need to do it here as well.  Edan will help me find happiness in this, but I have to be open to it being true happiness and not whatever fantasy my lizard brain has cooked up.) and I need to do the work to make my confidence secure.  That takes time, patience and humility.  Edan and I are nowhere near we need to be for me to dominate him in a positive and secure way.  We need to be more familiar and that can't be forced because the act of becoming more vulnerable is a forced act.  But it's one that you need to do for yourself.  I can't make him more vulnerable.  I can only show him my vulnerabilities and hope that he will do the same, cherish it if he does or move on if he doesn't.  

Moving forward is just the act of putting one foot in front of the other.  Here is to the first step.  :)

Oh, and I promise to keep the gifs to a minimum, I hate them but this one fit a little too well. 

Afina

Catching up Part 3 of 3: Mind Blank

Common brain, we almost got all of it out....no stopping now!

I had a lunch date with Edan last Wednesday and I've been fighting for the past 12 hours on exactly what to write about it.  It was such an explosion of different emotions that it's difficult to write about.

I think I'm afraid of calling anything on it.  I have this irrational fear that if I predict goodness, it will lead to badness....but there was a really good talk that we had that's worth sharing regardless of what the future brings.

While we were at lunch, I brought up the subject of what happened with Oz because, in those events and how Oz acted, I was realizing how much of a negative influence he had on my interactions with Edan.

See, I was really close to Oz.  He was my best friend so of course I talked to him about Edan.  I talked to him about pretty much everything and anything.  When I met Edan, I was under the understanding that mine and Oz's relationship had ended and ended well over a year prior.

Talking a little more in depth about it to Edan, he told me about his friend who would always end up needing him when he wasn't available and would hold it against him in an attempt to guilt him.  He said how he realized that they weren't respecting his boundaries and he set down ground rules.  He then told me how it was apparent that Oz did not respect my boundaries.

With that, I recalled how Oz brought up, constantly, that Edan just wanted to get me into bed.  Never mind the fact that I was the patent aggressor in getting into bed....(ugh, the twinkle in his eyes, his moans....the way he touches me...yep, still wants it.), but he was close enough an influential enough to plant that seed.  Maybe not necessarily sex, but the possibility that Edan just wanted me for how I made him feel and we had no real connection.

It reminds me of a scene in Die Hard 2 where Cornell Stewart (god I hope I spelled that right) instructed one of his lackeys to raise the sea level in order to cause a crash.  Oz was my tower and I trusted him to guide me in for a safe landing.

Edan was visibly upset about this.  The realization of being sabotaged. He tried so hard during that time to press that Oz and I patch things up and be good friends to each other, just doing what anyone who cares about someone who is going through a spat with someone who seems to be a really good friend.  I know that had to hurt.

I'm glad we are healing from that time and clearing away the clutter from what we have between us.  Edan said that people like us (yes, my heart squeed when he said, "us") need to be careful and be sure that we set up our boundaries because our empathetic nature allows people to take and take and take till we have nothing left.  Truer words never spoken.  He talked more about his friend and I felt the anxiety creep onto him in dealing with his own Oz so I reached out and grabbed his arm.  He smiled and said, "Thank you, it's just really hard sometimes when you realize someone doesn't respect you."  I then reached over and rubbed his temples and his eyes closed slightly in what appeared to be comfort.

"Ah, that makes my mind blank," he said with a smile.

Then mine did too.

Catching up Part 2 of 3: Know Thy Self!

This might be a bit of a repeat but, my blog, my decision and I didn't ask you to read it.  :)

Dating is hard.  So fricken hard.  I'm quickly realizing that the energy I had for it in my teens (which was when I last "dated") has been long gone.

Which makes this bad, because I have to.  I have to get up,  be that person I am and put myself out there because I know what I want....

....and I'm pretty sure I'm the most impatient person alive.  If I see something I want, I have to go after it.  NAO.

But I can't do that anymore.  All of my enduring relationships haven't had that aspect to them so I'm trying to stop that tumble down into getting what something that I think I want, but not taking the time to make sure.

So I am making sure.  And a big part of that is making sure I know me better so I can find a partner with whom I'll be happy with.

That's going to take time and likely a lot more time than what I think might take, knowing that my heart is hoping, somehow, shortcuts can be made and somehow not end in catastrophe.

I took that BDSM quiz and I what I found to be helpful about it was recognizing the different parts of the spectrum those on the left side of the slash in D/s relationships fall into.

I am definitely dominant.  I scored 100% on that and I can't argue with it.  I came out to my mom recently about everything and she confirmed I've been that way since I was two.  Seeing those times when I've suppressed it have been....bad.  I cannot let that part not be a part of my interactions with people or we will not get along.  What dominance is to me is the ability to lead and make decisions about the relationship.  I want the work of that, it's something I need and crave and I am the luckiest woman in the world to have a man that, while I can't be that to him, respects, loves and accepts that part of me in the pursuit of a partner.

I am also very much a sadist.  I scored pretty high on that one as well.  I love giving pain.  That electric rush when I am directly causing it.  My favorite is using my mouth.  I even remember when I was a kid and seeing when animals played and identifying with the affection that happened when they would bite.  I remember even wondering if my mom carried me in her teeth ever......I had an active imagination.  :)  Now that I'm an adult (stop laughing), I recognize that even back then, I appreciated consent.  Whenever animals play and bite, if it gets too much, it stops.

That leads into being an ethical person.  It's understanding that the gifts of submission given in a relationship with someone should be given freely.  Be it in service, in play or in deference to my judgement of what is best.

As you can see, not much mention in the way of sexy stuff.  Because, at heart, I believe those are the things that you do with the people you have intimate relationships with.  Not that there is anything wrong with having casual fun, but I'm not looking for casual fun.  I am a dominant in need of a female led relationship.

The great thing about this is that the more I've learned about myself, the more patience I've gained in what I do.  I know now that it's just not worth taking those risks and those short cuts too because eventually, someone will see the effort I put into this relationship for us to be happy and they will want to reciprocate it.  It will happen one day.

Till then.....going on date #2 with a guy who I'm meh-y about.  But in that promise to myself that I keep my options open until I know for certain I've found what I want.