Flirtationship

The hardest part about all these goings on is what is also going on with Edan.  I've been so mentally distracted and we haven't talked much outside of establishing that he's not ready for a relationship but there are feelings there and I'm not really ready for a relationship either and we have this amazing connection but we've barely blipped much of anything to each other and I know we're super busy but I think things are.....good?  I think?  Maybe?  

Yeah.  I have no clue.  None!

I know that all those feelings are my incessant need to understand where I am heading in order to look for the mental signs that where I am heading is where I want to head and not where I don't.  

One has to have a true understanding their own handicaps and weaknesses in order to overcome them and I am really good with getting too focused on where I hope to eventually land without taking the proper steps in order to get there.

Oh really?

::insert deadpan stare here::

So I actually came up with a mantra for this situation.

Nothing new when shit is not right.

When Edan and I started talking a few months back, the earthquake hadn't started rumbling yet. And we had many healing conversations that mended our friendship.  And I am so happy for that because we had such a great seed to be really good friends.  

But then there is that other side, the lizard brain side, The feel of his neck against my fingers, my cheek and my lips-three very similar yet different sensations-are burned into my memory.  The denial of feeling it again only salting the burn.  

Or worse, he kissing my collar bone.

It still makes me shudder as intently as it did a year ago.  It undoes me, even just the thought.

And remembering how his legs would quiver whenever I undid him, I'm sure that certain memories of our time together aren't helping his desire to be chaste right now either.

Regarding our attraction to each other, the casual thing just wouldn't work.  It's not in his belief system to be casual about intimacy and I respect it.  As well, I've had enough "casual" to last a lifetime and the last thing I want is something casual with when my heart would ache for the same attention.  I can't do that to myself.

So I sent him a message recently saying that I wanted to ensure going forward, that we acknowledge this weird flirtationship thing we have where we say, "Yeah, we do have an attraction to each other.  Why can't we be rational and thoughtful about it?  Why can't wants and desires be acknowledged and not acted on?  We have the ability to restrain ourselves from just simply eating food when we're hungry at the grocery store without paying for it, why can't we do the same here and trust that time and what we put in to what is going on and what we decided along the way that we don't and let the situation dictate if they are acted on or not?"  

Yes! Fine.  I want it and I want it so bad.  But I'm willing to wait and see if the relationship I want with those feelings is possible.  Because if it is? It'll be well worth it.  And if it's not?  Then we can walk away with clear minds and good sentiments of trust and respect and that is equally worth it.  I still try to follow the campsite rule.  Edan has had too many times where his campsite has been left in shambles and having the chance to give him that relationship where he feels better about himself afterwards is something I really, really want to do.  Even if it is in the simple act of acknowledging that what I want is not there in him, I want to show him that someone does truly value his honesty.  

So we are what we are and nothing new is being added until I'm in a better mind frame.  And that's okay.  :)