Mental Flatus

Argh, already the writers block is wanting put down roots.  I'm so rusty, but I am forcing myself to write today so....no offense will be taken if you end up skipping this entry after all is said and done.

The previous post to this one was a bit of a difficult one to get out.  Now that my ass is showing, which I wanted to do, I have to show why I'm showing it (other than to point out how incredibly white it is)

I love being a Dominant.  I'm starting to shed even the self label of Domme because I don't need the title anymore.  It's become something I feel inherent to my name now.  I find my spirit about it to be very primal as well as caste like.  I want my submissive to serve me faithfully and wholly-because I earned their servitude for being a good alpha.  I do not want someone who considers themselves a slave or a subject or a worshiper.  We are equal in freedom, in social standing and in devotion to each other.

Being unpartnered for the majority of my time recognizing my dominance has been hard.  I've had two good relationships, and the rest has been, "I'm not that desperate." to "Yeah, I am that desperate."  (and this isn't for sexual gratification, this is on sacrificing aspects I know I want out of the relationship in order to have one.)  I don't want go into a relationship knowing it will fail, but having a relationship would be really nice.  

There are times that memories are comforting, but they are also painful because the brief or elusiveness of the moment in the memory.  There are so precious few where it was just simply a good moment.

But, I will endure.  This is who I am and I've waited out much harder times for better days.  I can wait this time of want out too.

I am fucking happy about the friends I have made in becoming a part of a few different communities.  There are a few I hold very special (which if you got a personal preview to this blog, that means I consider you special to me....I'm sorry I've been a twat in 2014.) and each of you who I've gotten to know, I value the person you are for numerous reasons.  Thank you. :)

-Afina

Two Souls

This one is going to be difficult...it's hard to know where to begin for one, as well, how much I actually want to tell the world about  (lol, all maybe 15 of you readers?)

I have a "disorder".  Yes, it is self diagnosed, and no, I don't plan to go to someone who has likely spent less time on mental health as much as I have spent on mine, give them upwards of $600 a month to tell me what I already know.  I have the symptoms that are due to things that happened to me that cause this disorder that are common.

But more importantly, I feel it.  I have felt it for as long as I can remember, I just never realized it was what it was and telling those who are closest to me about this disorder has, for the most part, yielded a "Well....duh!  You're just now figuring this out?"

I have dissassociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personalities.  While the symptoms of this disorder have a spectrum-from having dual lives to having fully formed personalities, mine falls somewhere between Fight Club and The Dark Crystal with the Skeksis and the Mystics.  I call myself twin souled because there are two somewhat distinct personalities living in this meat bag that's tapping away on the keyboard.  There is Dee and Afina.

What makes the "somewhat" is the common theme is for them (I'm speaking in third person because it's easiest.  :P) is to work in tandem with each other like a driver and a navigator,  The exception is when one takes over because the other has shut down due to trauma or stress.

So, like right now, both of us are here and we speak in a sort of harmony.  I dot the i's and cross the t's, Dee colors in the margins. :)

The reason why I associate this with the Dark Crystal is that this was born from a fracture in Dee due to sustained trauma in her years from 2 to 16.  Afina was formed to help cope with her circumstances.

And that's where things go more Fight Club.

There are things that Dee doesn't remember happening or I don't because one of us shut down and depending on who's in the driver seat will depend on whether or not I can recall.  There are times when I see exactly what happened and who was "in charge" at the time.

This has been a very big realization for me-again, which two of my closest friends (real people :P) said "Duh!" to me when I came out to them about this.

And now I'm finding the strength to come out to the rest of the world.  Not showing my war face is....new.

Now.  You are welcome to look at me crazy, but don't ask me who you are talking to.  There are very few people who share an equal friendship with both so, if you don't see a "change" in my behavior, then you are talking to the one you wanted to talk to in the first place.

This is who "me" is and yes it can be painful.  It's cost me countless relationships.  My family has suffered far worse than me and I have an immense sense of survivors guilt. And I'm still trying to deal with this now that Afina has been given proper controls to feel happy about her life too as for the longest time, she was only allowed out when shit became traumatic.

Please, don't treat me differently than you have.  I've been holding myself hostage for so long and I just want to let go and be "who" I am.  Repression is a very hard habit to break.

Thank you for letting me share my two souls with you.

-Afina/Dee

A Hard Year

15 days and what has been, for the most part, a horrible year will be over with.  It's a good thing I don't believe in God or else I would probably feel particularly shit on after so much of it.

Still the optimist, there were several good things that happened, and hopefully a few of those will continue into the new year but even my happy go lucky husband who is ever one to look ahead to better days said, "Wow...you've been really crapped on."

Sigh, pity parties.  So many pity parties written, so many deleted.  This ends today!

I think the biggest issue has been the attempts to find partnership and it failing over and over.  There have been times, even in a population of 5 million people near me that I've felt like I've exhausted my outlets for finding someone.  Out of 20-30 prospects on collarspace (this does not count how many I've discarded after the initial message), only two are people who I still wish to talk to.  I've met a few in person and its hard to sit there for many through a meal that I know won't work out.

But you're putting yourself out there and it's going to take time!

Yeah yeah, the struggle was fine and seem to be getting more productive by becoming part of the community and then the community imploded on itself recently and is all but gone.  It's now gone the way of many of the swinger communities which go on, but are very isolated and typically keep to themselves.

Not the best or most hospitable environment for finding someone in.

And when you've passed your second anniversary of being unpartnered, it's hard not to look at the whole thing and say, "I give up."

But then that voice, that other voice which gave me life says, "No, I didn't give up on you.  You're not allowed to give up on yourself."

Yeah, discovering your twin souled on top of having a catastrophic dating life, your marriage attempting to fall apart, losing your career (which also, simultaneously almost cost your family) has been interesting to say the least.  -Don't worry, that will get explained next.

But this is why I haven't been writing much.  Lots of self discovery and lots of disappointing encounters to wade through.  Even though this is my blog and I get to write about what I want to write about, I always feel bad dumping a pile of shit on people.

But this is a part of me, my history that is, so please bear with me while I put a bow on this turd.   I promise you'll be screaming about the rainbows coming out of my eyeballs in no time.

I chose this picture because I do identify with mermaids...my favorite real animal is the seahorse (funny enough too how they are one of the only species where the male sheds gender notions of who broods).  But adios 2014, have fun sinking into my history....15 more days and I'm done with you.