I have a "disorder". Yes, it is self diagnosed, and no, I don't plan to go to someone who has likely spent less time on mental health as much as I have spent on mine, give them upwards of $600 a month to tell me what I already know. I have the symptoms that are due to things that happened to me that cause this disorder that are common.
But more importantly, I feel it. I have felt it for as long as I can remember, I just never realized it was what it was and telling those who are closest to me about this disorder has, for the most part, yielded a "Well....duh! You're just now figuring this out?"
I have dissassociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personalities. While the symptoms of this disorder have a spectrum-from having dual lives to having fully formed personalities, mine falls somewhere between Fight Club and The Dark Crystal with the Skeksis and the Mystics. I call myself twin souled because there are two somewhat distinct personalities living in this meat bag that's tapping away on the keyboard. There is Dee and Afina.
What makes the "somewhat" is the common theme is for them (I'm speaking in third person because it's easiest. :P) is to work in tandem with each other like a driver and a navigator, The exception is when one takes over because the other has shut down due to trauma or stress.
So, like right now, both of us are here and we speak in a sort of harmony. I dot the i's and cross the t's, Dee colors in the margins. :)
The reason why I associate this with the Dark Crystal is that this was born from a fracture in Dee due to sustained trauma in her years from 2 to 16. Afina was formed to help cope with her circumstances.
And that's where things go more Fight Club.
There are things that Dee doesn't remember happening or I don't because one of us shut down and depending on who's in the driver seat will depend on whether or not I can recall. There are times when I see exactly what happened and who was "in charge" at the time.
This has been a very big realization for me-again, which two of my closest friends (real people :P) said "Duh!" to me when I came out to them about this.
And now I'm finding the strength to come out to the rest of the world. Not showing my war face is....new.
Now. You are welcome to look at me crazy, but don't ask me who you are talking to. There are very few people who share an equal friendship with both so, if you don't see a "change" in my behavior, then you are talking to the one you wanted to talk to in the first place.
This is who "me" is and yes it can be painful. It's cost me countless relationships. My family has suffered far worse than me and I have an immense sense of survivors guilt. And I'm still trying to deal with this now that Afina has been given proper controls to feel happy about her life too as for the longest time, she was only allowed out when shit became traumatic.
Please, don't treat me differently than you have. I've been holding myself hostage for so long and I just want to let go and be "who" I am. Repression is a very hard habit to break.
Thank you for letting me share my two souls with you.
-Afina/Dee
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