A Hard Year

15 days and what has been, for the most part, a horrible year will be over with.  It's a good thing I don't believe in God or else I would probably feel particularly shit on after so much of it.

Still the optimist, there were several good things that happened, and hopefully a few of those will continue into the new year but even my happy go lucky husband who is ever one to look ahead to better days said, "Wow...you've been really crapped on."

Sigh, pity parties.  So many pity parties written, so many deleted.  This ends today!

I think the biggest issue has been the attempts to find partnership and it failing over and over.  There have been times, even in a population of 5 million people near me that I've felt like I've exhausted my outlets for finding someone.  Out of 20-30 prospects on collarspace (this does not count how many I've discarded after the initial message), only two are people who I still wish to talk to.  I've met a few in person and its hard to sit there for many through a meal that I know won't work out.

But you're putting yourself out there and it's going to take time!

Yeah yeah, the struggle was fine and seem to be getting more productive by becoming part of the community and then the community imploded on itself recently and is all but gone.  It's now gone the way of many of the swinger communities which go on, but are very isolated and typically keep to themselves.

Not the best or most hospitable environment for finding someone in.

And when you've passed your second anniversary of being unpartnered, it's hard not to look at the whole thing and say, "I give up."

But then that voice, that other voice which gave me life says, "No, I didn't give up on you.  You're not allowed to give up on yourself."

Yeah, discovering your twin souled on top of having a catastrophic dating life, your marriage attempting to fall apart, losing your career (which also, simultaneously almost cost your family) has been interesting to say the least.  -Don't worry, that will get explained next.

But this is why I haven't been writing much.  Lots of self discovery and lots of disappointing encounters to wade through.  Even though this is my blog and I get to write about what I want to write about, I always feel bad dumping a pile of shit on people.

But this is a part of me, my history that is, so please bear with me while I put a bow on this turd.   I promise you'll be screaming about the rainbows coming out of my eyeballs in no time.

I chose this picture because I do identify with mermaids...my favorite real animal is the seahorse (funny enough too how they are one of the only species where the male sheds gender notions of who broods).  But adios 2014, have fun sinking into my history....15 more days and I'm done with you.