I love my first cigarette of the morning, and if I have coffee and a quiet space? Even better.
Never mind the fact that my lungs probably look like road kill, I've probably taken at least 10 years off my life, I've got a family history of really nasty cancer, a cardiologist would sprout dollar signs from his eyes reviewing my family history on heart disease (ironic that the only thing I hoped to inherit from my bio father is his the muscle that pumps his blood), my breath and clothes smell like and ashtray and I'm no longer the cool teenage girl who had the balls enough to smoke filterless camels. I'm just that old lady in a bar who you can obviously see loves these little death sticks a little more than herself.
Is it obvious I'm gearing up to quit? :-\ After my birthday, in a month, I'm putting them down. It's ironic because I am having a bit of that, "What the hell, I'm about to be 35? This is impossible." and so when I get carded less and less frequently when I pick up my death sticks, it's worrisome (because I've always looked a good 10 years younger than I am). Apparently that youthfulness is fading quick.
Other habits are hard to break too.
Like launching into a full on press conference mode, chickening out, trying a normal way, then thinking you're chickening out again only to find out you didn't so you wear that metaphorical dunce hat in asking for a simple date.
Yeah I did that. And I do that a lot.
There is an event coming up in mid February, that the husband, his playmate and I are going to and it's going to be sooo much freaking fun. There is a public event then an after party at a local dungeon and I when Edan and I started talking a few months ago, I told him about it and how much I wanted him to see it. As well, when we went to a munch when we were first together and both met some pretty cool people-people that I have gone on to become very good friends with who are going to be there. They along with a bunch of really awesome people are going to be in attendance and as much as I want to have "a date" with him, I want him to have that experience of seeing real D/s dynamics in motion in a social environment. I want him to see submissives interacting with their dominants in social and in public play scenarios. I want him to see the effort and patience and beauty of people owning themselves. I want him to feel that urge of being who he feels he is and it be a positive experience.
The reason for this was a few weeks ago, Edan said how he wished he could own who he was better while simultaneously wishing he could just not be it. I get and I understand that a really big part of that is thinking that you have nowhere to be who you are. Not that this environment or building is some magical place that instantaneously validates your character the moment you walk in the door, but it provides a bridge to things that are tangible that help bring the fantasy world of BDSM into reality. Speaking to how similar we are, I really feel like it will help him gain insight to discovering who he is so that he will feel better and more positive about his submissiveness. When your only accesses to it are dating sites, forum sites and porn, it creates a fractured highlight reel of things you want without the mortar of reality that holds it all together. It takes bricks and mortar and work and if you have no evidence of actual, tangible plans that exist out there, you build your house on fantasy and when reality comes rolling along, it just crashes down.
I don't want that for him. I don't want him to suffer another blow of trying to discover himself through fantastical means (including through me) for it to come falling apart when reality strikes. So I carefully thought out about how the whole event was going to go and wrote it out to him. I gave options for arriving, letting him know that if at anytime he wants to leave, he barely even has to express it and we will. I described the layout in such a way that a blind man would have been able to see it. I expressed that I would not be engaging in any play with him-that the most I might want to do is take him back to one of the rooms with a bed and make out with him-but there would be no "sceneing" so to speak. And as well, I launched into my reasonings for wanting him to go in the first place. Of course I want it to be a date, but I wanted him to have a positive social experience with the mindset of him being submissive. Not to me, not to anyone,just to himself. To have those moments of, "I relate to that or I couldn't see myself doing that." Even if it was a, "I know now that I want no part of this," that I would be able to be there for him and let him know that was okay.
And then I deleted it (and it was about as long as this blog post so far.)
I agonized because I realized I was trying to control the experience for him. Which, yes, in some ways is what this is about. But we're not there yet. I know that he wants something like that and we're very trepidly exploring if that is this what we want with each other, but we haven't even gone on a "proper" date yet. At least I can say I recognized where I tried to put the cart before the horse.
So then, I wrote a simple, "Hey we're doing this thing and it may be a thing you like and if you want to go then you should or maybe we can have dinner soon." And hit send before I allowed the voices of doubt to start washing over.
Biggest white washing of complete spazzing out ever. Ever.
But they still came around and then I got to thinking again. He hates when he feels he has to say no for a reason that shouldn't be a no. Basically, he hates when he has to say no when his situation doesn't allow his ego to say yes. Who doesn't, but it hurts him so much because he believes he is behind the curve. If only he could see that it really is all relative. His betters are others good enough's and even someone's failures-it's all just part of living life and the only race you're in is one against yourself.. I see an improvement in that line of thinking, but I know it's still there and not knowing where the line of when it is okay and when it is not is drawn, I didn't want to cause a situation for him to feel bad.
I know, I know, rational brain states that if he gets upset at me for simply asking him if he would be interested in doing this thing with me-given that our relationship is in that stage where asking for dates is okay-then he is someone I should have no want with. But that's not how I work. I'm the type of person who thinks of these things and wants to be allowed to do so in a relationship. But I don't have the trust or really even the experience to know if that's just insanity speaking.
But still, that feeling endured. Yeah, I should be able to ask him to go to this with me, expect it to be date-y and that maybe he'll have a good time that I shouldn't feel responsible for. But I don't. The way that I feel is that I don't have to put him through this because I want the responsibility for his experience with me in this manner and I'm not ready for it yet.
So I deleted that one.
Or so I thought. You see, I sent the message on collarspace and I thought that by deleting the message before he read it, that he wouldn't see it.
So, he saw it and said that it sounded fun and he would look into it. I was so scared he was just saying it so I went to see him at our mutual place and he was happy and fine and upbeat about it, but said he would have to look at things and he would get back to me. I ensured him that I had a ticket waiting for him so he didn't have to rush. I got to see his sleepy, happy smile. (I love that one so much.) Got my stuff and went on my way.
And now I am fighting with myself.
I want to share this with him and let him read how much thought and consideration I put into this because that is who I am and I want that ability to be this vulnerable to him. And at the same time, I hope he says no so that we can both exhale from me going too far too soon and let my mishap fall peacefully into the past.
-Afina
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