Dating is hard. So fricken hard. I'm quickly realizing that the energy I had for it in my teens (which was when I last "dated") has been long gone.
Which makes this bad, because I have to. I have to get up, be that person I am and put myself out there because I know what I want....
....and I'm pretty sure I'm the most impatient person alive. If I see something I want, I have to go after it. NAO.
But I can't do that anymore. All of my enduring relationships haven't had that aspect to them so I'm trying to stop that tumble down into getting what something that I think I want, but not taking the time to make sure.
So I am making sure. And a big part of that is making sure I know me better so I can find a partner with whom I'll be happy with.
That's going to take time and likely a lot more time than what I think might take, knowing that my heart is hoping, somehow, shortcuts can be made and somehow not end in catastrophe.
I took that BDSM quiz and I what I found to be helpful about it was recognizing the different parts of the spectrum those on the left side of the slash in D/s relationships fall into.
I am definitely dominant. I scored 100% on that and I can't argue with it. I came out to my mom recently about everything and she confirmed I've been that way since I was two. Seeing those times when I've suppressed it have been....bad. I cannot let that part not be a part of my interactions with people or we will not get along. What dominance is to me is the ability to lead and make decisions about the relationship. I want the work of that, it's something I need and crave and I am the luckiest woman in the world to have a man that, while I can't be that to him, respects, loves and accepts that part of me in the pursuit of a partner.
I am also very much a sadist. I scored pretty high on that one as well. I love giving pain. That electric rush when I am directly causing it. My favorite is using my mouth. I even remember when I was a kid and seeing when animals played and identifying with the affection that happened when they would bite. I remember even wondering if my mom carried me in her teeth ever......I had an active imagination. :) Now that I'm an adult (stop laughing), I recognize that even back then, I appreciated consent. Whenever animals play and bite, if it gets too much, it stops.
That leads into being an ethical person. It's understanding that the gifts of submission given in a relationship with someone should be given freely. Be it in service, in play or in deference to my judgement of what is best.
As you can see, not much mention in the way of sexy stuff. Because, at heart, I believe those are the things that you do with the people you have intimate relationships with. Not that there is anything wrong with having casual fun, but I'm not looking for casual fun. I am a dominant in need of a female led relationship.
The great thing about this is that the more I've learned about myself, the more patience I've gained in what I do. I know now that it's just not worth taking those risks and those short cuts too because eventually, someone will see the effort I put into this relationship for us to be happy and they will want to reciprocate it. It will happen one day.
Till then.....going on date #2 with a guy who I'm meh-y about. But in that promise to myself that I keep my options open until I know for certain I've found what I want.
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