I'm making a decided effort to move forward with my grief about the past month. The reason being is, as happened today, I was coming back from my lunch break and I saw what looked like Oz's car. Cue racing heart! I felt that old familiar rise of rage that lingered on far longer after I realized that it just looked like his car and it wasn't his car and realized I've given him far too much head space.
It's done and it's over with and if I keep treating the situations around me like it affects me and them, then it will. I need to stop that. Doubt and insecurity and emotional wreck-ed-ness, like any other emotions, like having a voice and will do so as long as you listen to them and give them an outlet.
I've let doubt have an opinion about my life for far to long. Time to drown it.
This was the advice that Edan was giving me as well when we talked about that doubt in the past and how it affected us. All the while, in my head, I'm wanting to scream at him, "I still like you!"
So instead of saying that, I decided to come out about being Afina and Dee. I loved what he said about it too. He told me that he didn't see it so much as multiple personalities, that things have just been so crazy and I blurted out, "Maybe I'm just trying to fix my fractured self."
Which maybe that is what this is. But there is still something extra there about me.
But after that, I finally blurted out that I still liked him and of course he responds with, "Like I couldn't tell at lunch the other day when you kept kissing my cheek."
Yep. I'm that sort of dumb sometimes.
He told me he still liked me to...and I think my heart was going to thump out of my chest. But after nearly an hour of a pep talk on being brave, I had to get it out or feel like I had to completely hand in my dominant card.
He also told me that he still wasn't sure he was ready for everything and I told him that I wanted to go slow. I wanted to take the time to get to know him since I tried to rush through it the first time. And it is very true. Realizing every day, more and more, the type of relationship I want (and yes, I want it with him specifically because we fit so well. If I need to trust my gut a little more than I do, I need to do it here as well. Edan will help me find happiness in this, but I have to be open to it being true happiness and not whatever fantasy my lizard brain has cooked up.) and I need to do the work to make my confidence secure. That takes time, patience and humility. Edan and I are nowhere near we need to be for me to dominate him in a positive and secure way. We need to be more familiar and that can't be forced because the act of becoming more vulnerable is a forced act. But it's one that you need to do for yourself. I can't make him more vulnerable. I can only show him my vulnerabilities and hope that he will do the same, cherish it if he does or move on if he doesn't.
Moving forward is just the act of putting one foot in front of the other. Here is to the first step. :)
Oh, and I promise to keep the gifs to a minimum, I hate them but this one fit a little too well.
Afina
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