I had a lunch date with Edan last Wednesday and I've been fighting for the past 12 hours on exactly what to write about it. It was such an explosion of different emotions that it's difficult to write about.
I think I'm afraid of calling anything on it. I have this irrational fear that if I predict goodness, it will lead to badness....but there was a really good talk that we had that's worth sharing regardless of what the future brings.
While we were at lunch, I brought up the subject of what happened with Oz because, in those events and how Oz acted, I was realizing how much of a negative influence he had on my interactions with Edan.
See, I was really close to Oz. He was my best friend so of course I talked to him about Edan. I talked to him about pretty much everything and anything. When I met Edan, I was under the understanding that mine and Oz's relationship had ended and ended well over a year prior.
Talking a little more in depth about it to Edan, he told me about his friend who would always end up needing him when he wasn't available and would hold it against him in an attempt to guilt him. He said how he realized that they weren't respecting his boundaries and he set down ground rules. He then told me how it was apparent that Oz did not respect my boundaries.
With that, I recalled how Oz brought up, constantly, that Edan just wanted to get me into bed. Never mind the fact that I was the patent aggressor in getting into bed....(ugh, the twinkle in his eyes, his moans....the way he touches me...yep, still wants it.), but he was close enough an influential enough to plant that seed. Maybe not necessarily sex, but the possibility that Edan just wanted me for how I made him feel and we had no real connection.
It reminds me of a scene in Die Hard 2 where Cornell Stewart (god I hope I spelled that right) instructed one of his lackeys to raise the sea level in order to cause a crash. Oz was my tower and I trusted him to guide me in for a safe landing.
Edan was visibly upset about this. The realization of being sabotaged. He tried so hard during that time to press that Oz and I patch things up and be good friends to each other, just doing what anyone who cares about someone who is going through a spat with someone who seems to be a really good friend. I know that had to hurt.
I'm glad we are healing from that time and clearing away the clutter from what we have between us. Edan said that people like us (yes, my heart squeed when he said, "us") need to be careful and be sure that we set up our boundaries because our empathetic nature allows people to take and take and take till we have nothing left. Truer words never spoken. He talked more about his friend and I felt the anxiety creep onto him in dealing with his own Oz so I reached out and grabbed his arm. He smiled and said, "Thank you, it's just really hard sometimes when you realize someone doesn't respect you." I then reached over and rubbed his temples and his eyes closed slightly in what appeared to be comfort.
"Ah, that makes my mind blank," he said with a smile.
Then mine did too.
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