Saturday, January 24, 2015

Breaking Habits

Old habits can be hard to break sometimes.  I say as I light up my first cig of the day.

I love my first cigarette of the morning, and if I have coffee and a quiet space? Even better.

Never mind the fact that my lungs probably look like road kill, I've probably taken at least 10 years off my life, I've got a family history of really nasty cancer, a cardiologist would sprout dollar signs from his eyes reviewing my family history on heart disease (ironic that the only thing I hoped to inherit from my bio father is his the muscle that pumps his blood), my breath and clothes smell like and ashtray and I'm no longer the cool teenage girl who had the balls enough to smoke filterless camels.  I'm just that old lady in a bar who you can obviously see loves these little death sticks a little more than herself.

Is it obvious I'm gearing up to quit?  :-\  After my birthday, in a month, I'm putting them down.  It's ironic because I am having a bit of that, "What the hell, I'm about to be 35?  This is impossible." and so when I get carded less and less frequently when I pick up my death sticks, it's worrisome (because I've always looked a good 10 years younger than I am).  Apparently that youthfulness is fading quick.

Other habits are hard to break too.

Like launching into a full on press conference mode, chickening out, trying a normal way, then thinking you're chickening out again only to find out you didn't so you wear that metaphorical dunce hat in asking for a simple date.

Yeah I did that.  And I do that a lot.

There is an event coming up in mid February, that the husband, his playmate and I are going to and it's going to be sooo much freaking fun.  There is a public event then an after party at a local dungeon and I when Edan and I started talking a few months ago, I told him about it and how much I wanted him to see it.  As well, when we went to a munch when we were first together and both met some pretty cool people-people that I have gone on to become very good friends with who are going to be there.  They along with a bunch of really awesome people are going to be in attendance  and as much as I want to have "a date" with him, I want him to have that experience of seeing real D/s dynamics in motion in a social environment.  I want him to see submissives interacting with their dominants in social and in public play scenarios.  I want him to see the effort and patience and beauty of people owning themselves.  I want him to feel that urge of being who he feels he is and it be a positive experience.  

The reason for this was a few weeks ago, Edan said how he wished he could own who he was better while simultaneously wishing he could just not be it.  I get and I understand that a really big part of that is thinking that you have nowhere to be who you are.  Not that this environment or building is some magical place that instantaneously validates your character the moment you walk in the door, but it provides a bridge to things that are tangible that help bring the fantasy world of BDSM into reality.  Speaking to how similar we are, I really feel like it will help him gain insight to discovering who he is so that he will feel better and more positive about his submissiveness.  When your only accesses to it are dating sites, forum sites and porn, it creates a fractured highlight reel of things you want without the mortar of reality that holds it all together.  It takes bricks and mortar and work and if you have no evidence of actual, tangible plans that exist out there, you build your house on fantasy and when reality comes rolling along, it just crashes down.

I don't want that for him.  I don't want him to suffer another blow of trying to discover himself through fantastical means (including through me) for it to come falling apart when reality strikes.  So I carefully thought out about how the whole event was going to go and wrote it out to him.  I gave options for arriving, letting him know that if at anytime he wants to leave, he barely even has to express it and we will.  I described the layout in such a way that a blind man would have been able to see it.  I expressed that I would not be engaging in any play with him-that the most I might want to do is take him back to one of the rooms with a bed and make out with him-but there would be no "sceneing" so to speak.  And as well, I launched into my reasonings for wanting him to go in the first place.  Of course I want it to be a date, but I wanted him to have a positive social experience with the mindset of him being submissive.  Not to me, not to anyone,just to himself.  To have those moments of, "I relate to that or I couldn't see myself doing that."  Even if it was a, "I know now that I want no part of this," that I would be able to be there for him and let him know that was okay.

And then I deleted it (and it was about as long as this blog post so far.)

I agonized because I realized I was trying to control the experience for him.  Which, yes, in some ways is what this is about.  But we're not there yet.  I know that he wants something like that and we're very trepidly exploring if that is this what we want with each other, but we haven't even gone on a "proper" date yet.  At least I can say I recognized where I tried to put the cart before the horse.  

So then, I wrote a simple, "Hey we're doing this thing and it may be a thing you like and if you want to go then you should or maybe we can have dinner soon."  And hit send before I allowed the voices of doubt to start washing over.

Biggest white washing of complete spazzing out ever.  Ever.

But they still came around and then I got to thinking again.  He hates when he feels he has to say no for a reason that shouldn't be a no.  Basically, he hates when he has to say no when his situation doesn't allow his ego to say yes.  Who doesn't, but it hurts him so much because he believes he is behind the curve.  If only he could see that it really is all relative.  His betters are others good enough's and even someone's failures-it's all just part of living life and the only race you're in is one against yourself..  I see an improvement in that line of thinking, but I know it's still there and not knowing where the line of when it is okay and when it is not is drawn, I didn't want to cause a situation for him to feel bad.  

I know, I know, rational brain states that if he gets upset at me for simply asking him if he would be interested in doing this thing with me-given that our relationship is in that stage where asking for dates is okay-then he is someone I should have no want with.  But that's not how I work.  I'm the type of person who thinks of these things and wants to be allowed to do so in a relationship.  But I don't have the trust or really even the experience to know if that's just insanity speaking.

But still, that feeling endured.  Yeah, I should be able to ask him to go to this with me, expect it to be date-y and that maybe he'll have a good time that I shouldn't feel responsible for.  But I don't.  The way that I feel is that I don't have to put him through this because I want the responsibility for  his experience with me in this manner and I'm not ready for it yet.

So I deleted that one.


Or so I thought.  You see, I sent the message on collarspace and I thought that by deleting the message before he read it, that he wouldn't see it.


So, he saw it and said that it sounded fun and he would look into it.  I was so scared he was just saying it so I went to see him at our mutual place and he was happy and fine and upbeat about it, but said he would have to look at things and he would get back to me.  I ensured him that I had a ticket waiting for him so he didn't have to rush.  I got to see his sleepy, happy smile.  (I love that one so much.)  Got my stuff and went on my way.

And now I am fighting with myself.

I want to share this with him and let him read how much thought and consideration I put into this because that is who I am and I want that ability to be this vulnerable to him.  And at the same time, I hope he says no so that we can both exhale from me going too far too soon and let my mishap fall peacefully into the past.




-Afina


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Moving Forward

It's been a bit of a foggy brain week this week.  I've been staying up too late to chat with Edan and it's starting to take its toll.  Not that he has asked me to, I've wanted to.  But this body, every year I feel the gears slow just a bit.  I just can't stay up like I use to.

I'm making a decided effort to move forward with my grief about the past month.  The reason being is, as happened today, I was coming back from my lunch break and I saw what looked like Oz's car.  Cue racing heart! I felt that old familiar rise of rage that lingered on far longer after I realized that it just looked like his car and it wasn't his car and realized I've given him far too much head space.  

It's done and it's over with and if I keep treating the situations around me like it affects me and them, then it will.  I need to stop that.  Doubt and insecurity and emotional wreck-ed-ness, like any other emotions, like having a voice and will do so as long as you listen to them and give them an outlet.  

I've let doubt have an opinion about my life for far to long.  Time to drown it.

This was the advice that Edan was giving me as well when we talked about that doubt in the past and how it affected us.  All the while, in my head, I'm wanting to scream at him, "I still like you!"

So instead of saying that, I decided to come out about being Afina and Dee.  I loved what he said about it too.  He told me that he didn't see it so much as multiple personalities, that things have just been so crazy and I blurted out, "Maybe I'm just trying to fix my fractured self."

Which maybe that is what this is.  But there is still something extra there about me. 

But after that, I finally blurted out that I still liked him and of course he responds with, "Like I couldn't tell at lunch the other day when you kept kissing my cheek." 



Yep.  I'm that sort of dumb sometimes.

He told me he still liked me to...and I think my heart was going to thump out of my chest.  But after nearly an hour of a pep talk on being brave, I had to get it out or feel like I had to completely hand in my dominant card.

He also told me that he still wasn't sure he was ready for everything and I told him that I wanted to go slow.  I wanted to take the time to get to know him since I tried to rush through it the first time.  And it is very true.  Realizing every day, more and more, the type of relationship I want (and yes, I want it with him specifically because we fit so well.  If I need to trust my gut a little more than I do, I need to do it here as well.  Edan will help me find happiness in this, but I have to be open to it being true happiness and not whatever fantasy my lizard brain has cooked up.) and I need to do the work to make my confidence secure.  That takes time, patience and humility.  Edan and I are nowhere near we need to be for me to dominate him in a positive and secure way.  We need to be more familiar and that can't be forced because the act of becoming more vulnerable is a forced act.  But it's one that you need to do for yourself.  I can't make him more vulnerable.  I can only show him my vulnerabilities and hope that he will do the same, cherish it if he does or move on if he doesn't.  

Moving forward is just the act of putting one foot in front of the other.  Here is to the first step.  :)

Oh, and I promise to keep the gifs to a minimum, I hate them but this one fit a little too well. 

Afina

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Catching up Part 3 of 3: Mind Blank

Common brain, we almost got all of it out....no stopping now!

I had a lunch date with Edan last Wednesday and I've been fighting for the past 12 hours on exactly what to write about it.  It was such an explosion of different emotions that it's difficult to write about.

I think I'm afraid of calling anything on it.  I have this irrational fear that if I predict goodness, it will lead to badness....but there was a really good talk that we had that's worth sharing regardless of what the future brings.

While we were at lunch, I brought up the subject of what happened with Oz because, in those events and how Oz acted, I was realizing how much of a negative influence he had on my interactions with Edan.

See, I was really close to Oz.  He was my best friend so of course I talked to him about Edan.  I talked to him about pretty much everything and anything.  When I met Edan, I was under the understanding that mine and Oz's relationship had ended and ended well over a year prior.

Talking a little more in depth about it to Edan, he told me about his friend who would always end up needing him when he wasn't available and would hold it against him in an attempt to guilt him.  He said how he realized that they weren't respecting his boundaries and he set down ground rules.  He then told me how it was apparent that Oz did not respect my boundaries.

With that, I recalled how Oz brought up, constantly, that Edan just wanted to get me into bed.  Never mind the fact that I was the patent aggressor in getting into bed....(ugh, the twinkle in his eyes, his moans....the way he touches me...yep, still wants it.), but he was close enough an influential enough to plant that seed.  Maybe not necessarily sex, but the possibility that Edan just wanted me for how I made him feel and we had no real connection.

It reminds me of a scene in Die Hard 2 where Cornell Stewart (god I hope I spelled that right) instructed one of his lackeys to raise the sea level in order to cause a crash.  Oz was my tower and I trusted him to guide me in for a safe landing.

Edan was visibly upset about this.  The realization of being sabotaged. He tried so hard during that time to press that Oz and I patch things up and be good friends to each other, just doing what anyone who cares about someone who is going through a spat with someone who seems to be a really good friend.  I know that had to hurt.

I'm glad we are healing from that time and clearing away the clutter from what we have between us.  Edan said that people like us (yes, my heart squeed when he said, "us") need to be careful and be sure that we set up our boundaries because our empathetic nature allows people to take and take and take till we have nothing left.  Truer words never spoken.  He talked more about his friend and I felt the anxiety creep onto him in dealing with his own Oz so I reached out and grabbed his arm.  He smiled and said, "Thank you, it's just really hard sometimes when you realize someone doesn't respect you."  I then reached over and rubbed his temples and his eyes closed slightly in what appeared to be comfort.

"Ah, that makes my mind blank," he said with a smile.

Then mine did too.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Catching up Part 2 of 3: Know Thy Self!

This might be a bit of a repeat but, my blog, my decision and I didn't ask you to read it.  :)

Dating is hard.  So fricken hard.  I'm quickly realizing that the energy I had for it in my teens (which was when I last "dated") has been long gone.

Which makes this bad, because I have to.  I have to get up,  be that person I am and put myself out there because I know what I want....

....and I'm pretty sure I'm the most impatient person alive.  If I see something I want, I have to go after it.  NAO.

But I can't do that anymore.  All of my enduring relationships haven't had that aspect to them so I'm trying to stop that tumble down into getting what something that I think I want, but not taking the time to make sure.

So I am making sure.  And a big part of that is making sure I know me better so I can find a partner with whom I'll be happy with.

That's going to take time and likely a lot more time than what I think might take, knowing that my heart is hoping, somehow, shortcuts can be made and somehow not end in catastrophe.

I took that BDSM quiz and I what I found to be helpful about it was recognizing the different parts of the spectrum those on the left side of the slash in D/s relationships fall into.

I am definitely dominant.  I scored 100% on that and I can't argue with it.  I came out to my mom recently about everything and she confirmed I've been that way since I was two.  Seeing those times when I've suppressed it have been....bad.  I cannot let that part not be a part of my interactions with people or we will not get along.  What dominance is to me is the ability to lead and make decisions about the relationship.  I want the work of that, it's something I need and crave and I am the luckiest woman in the world to have a man that, while I can't be that to him, respects, loves and accepts that part of me in the pursuit of a partner.

I am also very much a sadist.  I scored pretty high on that one as well.  I love giving pain.  That electric rush when I am directly causing it.  My favorite is using my mouth.  I even remember when I was a kid and seeing when animals played and identifying with the affection that happened when they would bite.  I remember even wondering if my mom carried me in her teeth ever......I had an active imagination.  :)  Now that I'm an adult (stop laughing), I recognize that even back then, I appreciated consent.  Whenever animals play and bite, if it gets too much, it stops.

That leads into being an ethical person.  It's understanding that the gifts of submission given in a relationship with someone should be given freely.  Be it in service, in play or in deference to my judgement of what is best.

As you can see, not much mention in the way of sexy stuff.  Because, at heart, I believe those are the things that you do with the people you have intimate relationships with.  Not that there is anything wrong with having casual fun, but I'm not looking for casual fun.  I am a dominant in need of a female led relationship.

The great thing about this is that the more I've learned about myself, the more patience I've gained in what I do.  I know now that it's just not worth taking those risks and those short cuts too because eventually, someone will see the effort I put into this relationship for us to be happy and they will want to reciprocate it.  It will happen one day.

Till then.....going on date #2 with a guy who I'm meh-y about.  But in that promise to myself that I keep my options open until I know for certain I've found what I want.


Catching up Part 1 of 3: Loose Ends

Yep, I laxed a bit on writing, but not for lack of want to write, just on a lack of time.  I'm actually home from work today from running myself rampant yesterday.  This girl loves to work and she loves her hockey more than she loves her kidneys, sanity and sense of well being so allowing myself some self care.....by sitting in the garage, chain smoking, drinking coffee and writing...

I think I'm going to break this post up into three, because there is a lot to cover.  This year has had a rocky start, but overall it's been good.  Some relationships have ended, some have endured and then there is my, oh what the good hell is that?



Oz.

A name that I use to love to roll off of my tongue now feels like razor blades in my mouth.  The name for the person who use to be worth something to me but now that's not the case.  If you want to read part of our history, you can find it here.  But to sum up about him, he was my first submissive, he helped me discover who I am.  He loved Afina.  So yeah, he was pretty damn important and very initially so.  When I click with people, I tend to really really click.

But sometimes I click with the wrong people.

Yeah yeah, I'm still trying to figure out what to say.  Some of it is absolutely damaging and if it were to ever get out as part of common knowledge?  It could destroy lives and relationships and social standings and I don't necessarily want to do that, but I will do what is necessary to ensure that my wish to be respected is adhered to and that it's known that if I am not left alone, the consequences are going to be worse.

I've been on this merry-go-round before.  The difference now was that I realized it before it was too late and I got out sooner than when I normally would.  My hope is that it won't end the way it did the last time I was on it.

The very long and short of it was Oz was manipulating me.  I was never his Domme, I was never even his friend.  I was his outlet to be able to feel and do things in his never ending chase of being able the perfect person in every circumstance and situation.  Its as simple as the fact that he could never tell me he loved me when I needed to hear it and as complex as the fact that I never called him on his issue or behavior when it might have been possible to save our relationship.  Always taking responsibility aren't we, Afina?  I know, I know...

The final straw, he physically hurt me.  It wasn't the intention, but it happened and from the same guy who would pause, my face contorted in an orgasm but because it might actually be pain, to ask if I was okay.  The same guy who would let me bare all my insecurities, only now to realize he was collecting collateral. But the same man who told me that we are all always in control of our selves, our emotions and our actions told me, "You made me do it."

You made me do it.

WHAT THE FUCK?!  I got beamed in the head with that red flag, thankfully.  It helped me see that there was no point to attempting to fix the wrongs in our relationship, that realizing what he was doing, trying to control me, trying to make me be what he wanted me to be was his intention.  That the possibility of being implicated in intending to cause harm is not possible.

God, Afina, we cannot go through this again.  Happy, healthy, people only!  You may be able to deal with their toxicity but I cannot!

So I let him go, I told him I am done and I haven't spoken a word to him since I told him.  It is my honest hope that he will leave me alone.  That he won't contact me.  I'm already a bit alarmed because he has sent a message to my husband about an unrelated matter....that he could have asked another person.

I tied up this loose end so hopefully it will stay that way, but I can only do (or not do) so much.  I've been enjoying having normal interactions, but I will not hesitate to destroy him if he does not respect my wish to be left alone.  I never mince my words and if I ever tell you, I'm done, then leave me be.  I will leave you be.  It's honestly that simple.

I really don't want my history to be made up of those I laid waste to because they couldn't show simple respect.  They couldn't listen to a simple instruction.  So, if you are someone who ends up as part of my future, take heed:

When I say I'm done with you, I mean it.  Leave me alone.  It takes me a lot to get there, and it takes a long time.  But I never say those words without meaning them 100%.  That is an unrecoverable decision.

If you do not follow that one rule, you will pay.  Dearly.  It's the one respect that everyone should be able to have.  Some are able to be done with people easier than I am and that's who they are.  Anytime someone has said it to me, however, I respect it.  I feel it's the most basic courtesy we are able to give others.

And on that.  Hopefully this loose end is tied up in a bow, those memories firmly stored as history and learning lessons and someone I never have to deal with again.

I don't want this to be me:

Second Chances

I've always believed in second chances.

::raised eyebrow::  (If you haven't figured it out, when a sentence or paragraph by itself is italicized, it's Dee "speaking."  I just want to show how this works for me sometimes)

Fine.  We like to give more than just second chances.  Some people are on their fifteenth chance.  If I can find how they broke down that caused the parting of ways in the first place, I want to try and fix it.  My relationships are too important to me at times and I do it because I would hope someone would give me a second chance if I messed up.  It's not a guarantee, but how can I hope someone would do the same for me if I am unwilling?

This is why I believe in second chances.  Because I hope to have one myself.

It's extremely hard to have a relationship when you aren't right with yourself.  It is impossible when both parties aren't.  This was the case with the fellow I'll call Edan.

I fell for him almost instantly.  He was the sort of quirky that I am.  He messaged me on Collar Me (back when it was that) and to show that he had read my profile, he told me what his favorite dish was.  Now others had done this too.  I'd get steak and potatoes or some pompous bullshit in an attempt to impress me since I am a chef.  His?

Fiesta Plates.  His favorite dish were those brightly colored ceramic Spanish plates.  I loved it.  A smart ass.  I love smart asses!! :)

If this was fantasy, we would be happily ever after in all our kinky glory, but it's not.  It's reality.

Edan has anxiety and depression that affects him pretty severely.  When we met, all of the said craziness in the previous posts was going on as well.  And in spite of us having quite wonderful moments together....ones that really belong in movies.  He came over one day and he ended up having an anxiety attack while also getting sick (I have the same stomach acid relation to anxiety so I understand how much this physically hurts.) and I raced all over the area trying to find ginger ale to help calm his stomach since he was still dry heaving.  It was a long night and I just held him and thinking calming thoughts, trying to slow his heartbeat and he finally could lay down without the room spinning.  I held him while he slept and we woke up kissing.  Drinking chai tea on the patio at Cosmic Cafe.  Robe Kung Fu. Eating breakfast together.  That cocky smile when he knew I couldn't resist him.  His head on my shoulder, eating carrot cake, and not a fuck was given that we were in public.  It was a sweet moment.  We had moments of bliss.  We were so tender to each other.  Our dynamic was, when we were together, shaping into this creative, playful, sweet, empathetic, sensual, passionate, caring, fun and so many other descriptive adjectives that belong in the songs of story teller musicians.

No matter what, I will cherish those moments for a lifetime.

But I messed up.  What I had in my relationship with him when I was with him, I needed in my general life and I hadn't had it for a very long time.  I became like a succubus, demanding that from him regardless if he was feeling able to or not.  I was extremely selfish and I hurt him....deeply.  I've regretted my actions ever since I realized how damaging I was being to our relationship.

But there is hope.  I contacted him recently to try and settle a predicament I was in that I needed his input on and so I contacted him with the expressed intent of only asking if this solution to my situation was permissible.  He said yes...but he said more.

He apologized for the way things were left when we had last talked.  He explained what upset him, and he explained the hows and whys that were left in the wake of that moment.

But what he mostly spoke to was the sadness of how things were left.  That we both knew that was the last thing we both wanted to happen.

So, now we're talking, just as friends and it makes me so happy.  And this is understanding how second chances work.  You still don't have any right to how the journey will go, you simply have the chance to show how you have learned from your mistakes and you get another chance to present yourself again.

Maybe we're just doing this to heal from the wounds we left each other and as soon as it's done we'll be on our way.

Maybe the past mistakes will prove to be a part of us that we can't cope with and it will end worse.

Maybe we'll have another shot and it will fizzle.

Maybe we'll have another shot and it will stick.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I want the last maybe.  Going through the risk of a worse outcome than a fade away is worth that reward.

He's my first love.  I watched Dee through her first love and I know the risk.  And this is why I am taking things slow.

I want to trust in our friendship before the thought of ever moving onto more than just a friendship.  I want to know we have that and that it is strong. When trouble enters our lives, we both have an innate understanding and empathy to how it works, how it affects us and how we reemerge.  And it would be folly to think that it wouldn't happen again.  I want to know our friendship can survive those storms.

But if it never gets to that point, then that is okay too.  The cart is staying firmly behind the horse this time.

Afina