::raised eyebrow:: (If you haven't figured it out, when a sentence or paragraph by itself is italicized, it's Dee "speaking." I just want to show how this works for me sometimes)
Fine. We like to give more than just second chances. Some people are on their fifteenth chance. If I can find how they broke down that caused the parting of ways in the first place, I want to try and fix it. My relationships are too important to me at times and I do it because I would hope someone would give me a second chance if I messed up. It's not a guarantee, but how can I hope someone would do the same for me if I am unwilling?
This is why I believe in second chances. Because I hope to have one myself.
It's extremely hard to have a relationship when you aren't right with yourself. It is impossible when both parties aren't. This was the case with the fellow I'll call Edan.
I fell for him almost instantly. He was the sort of quirky that I am. He messaged me on Collar Me (back when it was that) and to show that he had read my profile, he told me what his favorite dish was. Now others had done this too. I'd get steak and potatoes or some pompous bullshit in an attempt to impress me since I am a chef. His?
Fiesta Plates. His favorite dish were those brightly colored ceramic Spanish plates. I loved it. A smart ass. I love smart asses!! :)
If this was fantasy, we would be happily ever after in all our kinky glory, but it's not. It's reality.
Edan has anxiety and depression that affects him pretty severely. When we met, all of the said craziness in the previous posts was going on as well. And in spite of us having quite wonderful moments together....ones that really belong in movies. He came over one day and he ended up having an anxiety attack while also getting sick (I have the same stomach acid relation to anxiety so I understand how much this physically hurts.) and I raced all over the area trying to find ginger ale to help calm his stomach since he was still dry heaving. It was a long night and I just held him and thinking calming thoughts, trying to slow his heartbeat and he finally could lay down without the room spinning. I held him while he slept and we woke up kissing. Drinking chai tea on the patio at Cosmic Cafe. Robe Kung Fu. Eating breakfast together. That cocky smile when he knew I couldn't resist him. His head on my shoulder, eating carrot cake, and not a fuck was given that we were in public. It was a sweet moment. We had moments of bliss. We were so tender to each other. Our dynamic was, when we were together, shaping into this creative, playful, sweet, empathetic, sensual, passionate, caring, fun and so many other descriptive adjectives that belong in the songs of story teller musicians.
No matter what, I will cherish those moments for a lifetime.
But I messed up. What I had in my relationship with him when I was with him, I needed in my general life and I hadn't had it for a very long time. I became like a succubus, demanding that from him regardless if he was feeling able to or not. I was extremely selfish and I hurt him....deeply. I've regretted my actions ever since I realized how damaging I was being to our relationship.
But there is hope. I contacted him recently to try and settle a predicament I was in that I needed his input on and so I contacted him with the expressed intent of only asking if this solution to my situation was permissible. He said yes...but he said more.
He apologized for the way things were left when we had last talked. He explained what upset him, and he explained the hows and whys that were left in the wake of that moment.
But what he mostly spoke to was the sadness of how things were left. That we both knew that was the last thing we both wanted to happen.
So, now we're talking, just as friends and it makes me so happy. And this is understanding how second chances work. You still don't have any right to how the journey will go, you simply have the chance to show how you have learned from your mistakes and you get another chance to present yourself again.
Maybe we're just doing this to heal from the wounds we left each other and as soon as it's done we'll be on our way.
Maybe the past mistakes will prove to be a part of us that we can't cope with and it will end worse.
Maybe we'll have another shot and it will fizzle.
Maybe we'll have another shot and it will stick.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit I want the last maybe. Going through the risk of a worse outcome than a fade away is worth that reward.
He's my first love. I watched Dee through her first love and I know the risk. And this is why I am taking things slow.
I want to trust in our friendship before the thought of ever moving onto more than just a friendship. I want to know we have that and that it is strong. When trouble enters our lives, we both have an innate understanding and empathy to how it works, how it affects us and how we reemerge. And it would be folly to think that it wouldn't happen again. I want to know our friendship can survive those storms.
But if it never gets to that point, then that is okay too. The cart is staying firmly behind the horse this time.
Afina
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