I think I'm going to break this post up into three, because there is a lot to cover. This year has had a rocky start, but overall it's been good. Some relationships have ended, some have endured and then there is my, oh what the good hell is that?
Oz.
A name that I use to love to roll off of my tongue now feels like razor blades in my mouth. The name for the person who use to be worth something to me but now that's not the case. If you want to read part of our history, you can find it here. But to sum up about him, he was my first submissive, he helped me discover who I am. He loved Afina. So yeah, he was pretty damn important and very initially so. When I click with people, I tend to really really click.
But sometimes I click with the wrong people.
Yeah yeah, I'm still trying to figure out what to say. Some of it is absolutely damaging and if it were to ever get out as part of common knowledge? It could destroy lives and relationships and social standings and I don't necessarily want to do that, but I will do what is necessary to ensure that my wish to be respected is adhered to and that it's known that if I am not left alone, the consequences are going to be worse.
I've been on this merry-go-round before. The difference now was that I realized it before it was too late and I got out sooner than when I normally would. My hope is that it won't end the way it did the last time I was on it.
The very long and short of it was Oz was manipulating me. I was never his Domme, I was never even his friend. I was his outlet to be able to feel and do things in his never ending chase of being able the perfect person in every circumstance and situation. Its as simple as the fact that he could never tell me he loved me when I needed to hear it and as complex as the fact that I never called him on his issue or behavior when it might have been possible to save our relationship. Always taking responsibility aren't we, Afina? I know, I know...
The final straw, he physically hurt me. It wasn't the intention, but it happened and from the same guy who would pause, my face contorted in an orgasm but because it might actually be pain, to ask if I was okay. The same guy who would let me bare all my insecurities, only now to realize he was collecting collateral. But the same man who told me that we are all always in control of our selves, our emotions and our actions told me, "You made me do it."
You made me do it.
WHAT THE FUCK?! I got beamed in the head with that red flag, thankfully. It helped me see that there was no point to attempting to fix the wrongs in our relationship, that realizing what he was doing, trying to control me, trying to make me be what he wanted me to be was his intention. That the possibility of being implicated in intending to cause harm is not possible.
God, Afina, we cannot go through this again. Happy, healthy, people only! You may be able to deal with their toxicity but I cannot!
So I let him go, I told him I am done and I haven't spoken a word to him since I told him. It is my honest hope that he will leave me alone. That he won't contact me. I'm already a bit alarmed because he has sent a message to my husband about an unrelated matter....that he could have asked another person.
I tied up this loose end so hopefully it will stay that way, but I can only do (or not do) so much. I've been enjoying having normal interactions, but I will not hesitate to destroy him if he does not respect my wish to be left alone. I never mince my words and if I ever tell you, I'm done, then leave me be. I will leave you be. It's honestly that simple.
I really don't want my history to be made up of those I laid waste to because they couldn't show simple respect. They couldn't listen to a simple instruction. So, if you are someone who ends up as part of my future, take heed:
When I say I'm done with you, I mean it. Leave me alone. It takes me a lot to get there, and it takes a long time. But I never say those words without meaning them 100%. That is an unrecoverable decision.
If you do not follow that one rule, you will pay. Dearly. It's the one respect that everyone should be able to have. Some are able to be done with people easier than I am and that's who they are. Anytime someone has said it to me, however, I respect it. I feel it's the most basic courtesy we are able to give others.
And on that. Hopefully this loose end is tied up in a bow, those memories firmly stored as history and learning lessons and someone I never have to deal with again.
I don't want this to be me:
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